A ferry nice way to travel

At about 7:45pm we headed off for Harwich arriving just over an hour later.

There were no queues in front of us at document check out boarding. We just drove straight on and started exploring straight away.

The ferry seemed very new and lacked the knocked about look that years of exposure to the public can create.

Our cabin exceeded expectations with five berths, a TV, and crisp, clean, white linen all ready to use.

We dumped our bags and explored the rest of the ship. Everything was very efficient and organised.

We noted our rather early (5:30am) alarm call and headed back to the cabin.

Sleep was interrupted by children sleep-talking, Hannah kicking first a book and then a towel from her bed to mine, narrowly missing my head, and Ethan choosing to lose a book with a great thud when it hit the floor.

Stena, it seems have a sense of humour. At 6:30 CET we were all woken to the tune "Don't worry, be happy."

Nice one Stena.

Who said that?

We needed a guide book and a map.

I spoke to Dave about which ones I thought would be a good idea, told him I'd placed an order and showed him the products when they arrived.

Yesterday he went into town and bought a guide book and map.

Apparently he was completely unaware I'd done anything.

The phrase "You never listen to a word I say" seemed appropriate.

Epic adventure

Today we start our epic adventure.

It's sort of a Planes, Trains and Automobiles adventure but with a boat and without the planes.

I'm apprehensive.  Do you get nervous before a holiday?

Have we got all of the tickets and documentation?

There is one thing that could go wrong.  Dave's car has a chip in the windscreen. If it were my car it would have been sorted within the week but Dave's been driving around with this for months, and I only found out a few days ago.

Calling Autoglass in the UK is nice and easy and simple.  Fixing a windscreen in Italy when the train journey has rattled the windscreen into smithereens, will not be as simple.  Dave says it will be fine.  I am not as confident.  

I could have insisted he fix it or I could have said "If he thinks it'll be OK, then I'll trust him."  It was tough call but I'm going with trust.

How do you find the time?

When people find out I blog they often say "How do you find the time?" And "I could never do that?"

Well I say "This is a blog post. It took a few minutes. I could have typed it whilst sat on the loo."

I didn't, just in case you wondered. I'm sat on the landing in a house full of sleepyheads. And I'm off to join them.

A sad day

Robin Williams was reported to have been found dead today.  

It's thought he died by suicide.

He was known to be suffering from depression.

The news has been full of how great Robin Williams was with tributes flooding in from the great and the good, and David Hasselhoff.

The Samaritans have advice for the media on the reporting of suicide; I'm not sure all media outlets followed that advice today.

But the news coverage has allowed some discussion about depression.

The thing that, for me, makes today sad, is that a man died because he felt he wasn't good enough, and that is very, very sad.

 

Party Party Party

The All Party Group on Alcohol Misuse want us to stop drinking as much as we do.

I think that's OK as a goal, but let's look at how they want to do this.

A phased ban on alcohol sponsorship - Well this worked for cigarettes, so introducing it on alcohol seems reasonable.

An increase in funding for treatment and access levels for problem drinkers - Helping people who are addicted has to be a good thing and the Government has invested millions in strategies to help those addicted to nicotine.

Make the training of parental substance abuse mandatory for all social workers and healthcare professionals - I'm surprised it isn't already.

Launching national public awareness and behaviour change campaigns - These are likely to be the type of thing we've seen on cigarette packaging and the national anti-smoking advertising.  The only issue I have with this is that I like the look of many alcohol products.  I think that bottles and their labels are an art form but don't think this is a good enough reason to prevent this proposal from being adopted.

The introduction of minimum unit pricing - Increasing the price of alcohol will reduce demand but I'm not sure that a minimum unit price is the answer.  I don't see why consumers should line the pockets of retailers.  I'd much rather see any increase in revenue given to the taxman.  This means I think we should have a tax for every unit of alcohol.  I think this should work, and perhaps increase the coffers of Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs.

If you also think this is a good idea, have a think about how much the tax per unit of alcohol should be.  I have an idea, do you?

X for

Today we enjoyed rather too much of the A303, the M3 and the M25.

My ears were bombarded with the whining child's cry of "I'm bored" so I kicked off the alphabet memory game.

This has many forms but I merged a few themes to initiate "On my holiday I took ..." And kicked off with an Aardvark.

We worked our way through the alphabet with the following choices:

Aardvark 

Bear

Cheetah

Dinosaur

Emu

Frog

Gecko

Handbag full of hippos

Ibis

Jaguar

Lynx

Minotaur

Nuthatch

Orc

Pig

Roger Rabbit

Sphinx

Tiny tortoise

Unicorn

Vampire bat

Weasel 

X-Ray Tetra

And then it fell over because my submission of X-Ray Tetra was not allowed by the two remaining contestants Dave and Ethan.

Dave asserted that I'd clearly cheated. 

I had, but you tell me of an animal that starts with X.

Then they couldn't agree on what should happen next. Should my submission be allowed to stand or should poor Ethan be required to come up with an alternative suggestion? Should they skip straight to "Y"? 

The game collapsed and we resorted to what we do best: calling each other names.

Kindling

I had an unresponsive black screen on my Kindle today. After enough charge time the power button had no impact.

In case you find yourself in the same boat then you might want to know how to reboot. Press power and volume buttons simultaneously for over six seconds.

Still reckon the Kindle is mullered but at least it looks like it's fixed.

I'll pass

Am in Devon and I have seen the latest craze on the water.

There is sailing, canoeing, windsurfing, surfing etc. but none of these is the latest thing.

If you want to be hip, cool and down with the kids you need to get into paddle boarding.

What, I hear you ask, is paddle boarding?

Good question. It's good core exercise apparently but looks weird to me.

It's standing on a board that's like a fat, long, wide surf board and paddling with a kayak paddle to get somewhere, or nowhere.

And if this isn't extreme enough for you apparently you can do yoga on your paddle board.

I'll pass, but don't let me stop you.

Persistence pays off

I bought something from Sainsbury about  ten days ago and thought I'd kept the receipt. It transpires I had lost the receipt when I decided I needed to return it.

The item had cost £16 but at the Customer Services desk they wanted to refund just £8 because the item had been reduced after my purchase.

I understood their position but didn't think they hang on to £8 of my money for no benefit to me.

I've been in this situation before in Sainsbury and IKEA. This is how to handle it.

Tell them the credit card number you used to pay for it and roughly the date of purchase. Ask that they trawl through their transaction records to find out how much was actually paid.

When I've done this the record has been found and I've received a full refund.

Clearly it's easier to keep a receipt, but if you lose the receipt, remember that they can check their records in your behalf.

Mum's advice

I was going to blog about something entirely different today but Victoria has prompted me to share some of the wisdom I gleaned from my mum.

I used to work in the same office as my mum.  We worked at Pollards when I was 16, in the general office.  

This would have to be the dream job for any 16 year old because do you know what Pollards made?  Sweets, and lots of them.

They also distributed Kelly's ice cream and they may have made it, I'm not sure, and they also distributed loads of crappy ready meals like Findus lasagne to hotels in the grockle heaven that is the West Country.  I remember they sold faggots, and I had absolutely no idea what they were, but they didn't sound appetising.

Well I don't recall seeing many of the sweets, or the ice cream, and definitely none of the crappy ready meals.

Working in the general office, my days were filled with envelope stuffing and moving bits of paper around.  I might have done some adding up as well but it was a very dull job.

As with many of the jobs I've done it hasn't been the job content that's kept me going back, it's been the money and/or the people, and in this case it was the money and the people.

It was an office full of women who called one another by their first names with an office manager who was "Mr Hellier".  It never occurred to me at the time that this was a very unequal working environment.  I just did my work and didn't ask questions.

Working alongside mum was great because she gave me some sound advice which I've continued to use throughout my working life.

The first piece of advice I remember is "If you walk quickly holding a clipboard and a pen people will assume you're busy."  These days you would probably look a bit suspicious with a clipboard but handful of documents or laptop would be a good substitute.

The next advice is "Make sure you wee on company time."  This is the most pragmatic piece of business advice I have ever received.  It makes sense on every level.

Thanks mum. 

Cleaning sucks

Some time last year, James went out of his way to recommend something that would change my life.

This type of thing happens rarely in the office so I paid attention.

How often does a man recommend something to make housework easier?  Well if it had ever happened before then I could count the times but it's difficult to count nothing.

James was really enthusiastic so I listened attentively.

A task that was always difficult made an absolute breeze by the acquisition and use of a tiny little gadget.

Well it's not so tiny, but James persuaded me that I needed this must-have gadget.  It wasn't a difficult sell.  I'm a sucker for a gadget, especially one with blinding Amazon reviews.

I splashed some cash.  Well actually I splashed some Tesco Clubcard vouchers and within a matter of days I was in the possession of a Karcher window vac.

A what?  A window vac?  Yes, a window vac.

It's like a squeegee but electric and sucks the the water into a reservoir.  It eliminates streaks and doesn't leave a puddle of cleaning liquid at the squeegee's finish point.

I understood James's evangelism and I started my own Karcher window vac ministry.

I have now had multiple conversations with friends and colleagues spreading the word about the window vac.  The genius of this bit of kit is that I've hardly used it on windows but it comes into its own on worktops and glass tables as well as cars (windows and bodywork).

Buy one, you won't regret it.

 

So you want to go on holiday...

Hannah enjoyed a day at Alton Towers as part of scout camp.

She has been telling Ethan about it and they now want a trip to Alton Towers.

I could put up with the nagging or I could use it to my advantage.  Mwah hah hah - evil mum.

Dave will be the difficult one to persuade so I have set them a challenge.

They need to research the park, potential accommodation, transport, other tourist attractions in the area and then sell the idea to their dad and me.

They started their research immediately, but still have a way to go.

What goes around

Just over a month ago I was driving my car along the High Street when the gearbox stopped working.  I couldn't move the car because I couldn't get it into gear.

Luckily I was in a fairly unobtrusive part of the High Street where cars could pass me.  Had it not been a Sunday and had I been 20 feet further forward and I would have been causing far more of an obstruction.

I called home for assistance and sat there waving traffic past me until a couple of gentlemen offered to help push the car back into a bus stop.  I gratefully accepted their offer and was then in a much better place to wait for help.

Yesterday I saw a car near the High Street with its hazard lights on.  It was stationary and from its road position I guessed the driver hadn't intended to stop there.

I offered the driver help after discovering that she too had clutch problems: could I push the car for her while she steered?  I was looked up and down, thanked for my offer but told I couldn't possibly push the car on my own.  The driver was clearly agitated as she'd been on the receiving end of the frustration vented by passing drivers.

I explained that I might well be able to push the car on my own but also, if I stopped to push the car then others would stop and offer help too.  She looked doubtful but thought it was worth giving it a go.

Well I did move the car but also, my prediction was correct.  As soon as I had the car rolling someone else stopped to offer a hand.

Between us we moved the car to safety just before her husband turned up to provide further help.  She was very thankful, wanted to know my name and held my hand, calling me an angel.

I know that I would have offered help even if I hadn't needed it previously, but it felt good to lend a hand.  I was putting something into the Bank of Assistance having made a withdrawal not too long ago.  What goes around...

Short story

At what age should shorts disappear from a woman's wardrobe?  Let's start by agreeing that anything calf length isn't a pair of shorts.  Shorts, in my opinion, should finish above the knee.

Are shorts always OK?

Does the suitability of wearing shorts depend on the state of the derriere and the legs that they will cover?

I like wearing shorts.  I have about ten pairs and I don't want to think I'm getting to the age where they are deemed to be inappropriate attire.

So can I wear shorts forever, or will there come a time when I decide it's just not appropriate anymore?

Hannah has started to tell me that some of my shorts are unacceptable, on me.

As one ages do shorts gradually increase in length?

I didn't realise that Jenny Joseph's poem Warning was the UK's favourite post war poem.  I think it could be improved if it mentioned shorts.

Warning

 

 

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple 
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me. 
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves 
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter. 
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired 
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells 
And run my stick along the public railings 
And make up for the sobriety of my youth. 
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain 
And pick flowers in other people's gardens 
And learn to spit. 

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat 
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go 
Or only bread and pickle for a week 
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes. 

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry 
And pay our rent and not swear in the street 
And set a good example for the children. 
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers. 

But maybe I ought to practice a little now? 
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised 
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

 

 

Great Britain - a review

This isn't a review of the country ahead of a Scottish Independence vote, but a review of Billie Piper in Great Britain, a satirical view of phone hacking with a smattering of MPs' expenses scandal for good measure.

I would recommend this show, but not, perhaps, for the reasons you might suspect.  It's very funny and laughter is good for you, so go see it as medicine for the soul.

It took me a little while to relax into watching the action because Piper was too stiff and posh when compared with my expectations.  I wasn't expecting her to burst onto the stage as Rose Tyler but I didn't expect a tabloid editor to adopt a false, posh accent akin to something one might feel necessary when receiving a telephone call from the Queen.  She also had a rather aloof air which didn't fit with my expectations of someone chasing sleazy, grubby stories about celebrity D-listers.

This could be the script so perhaps I should be laying the blame at the playwright Richard Bean.  Although Bean does deserve praise for the non stop humour.

The characters in the show are an amalgam of those that were a part of the real scandal.  

Piper plays Paige Britain who I think is perhaps a female Piers Morgan, especially as, in the play, she ends up with a chat show in the States.  

Rebekah Brooks makes an uncanny appearance with a doppelgänger in all but hair colour.  The stage Rebekah Brooks knows nothing of the hacking and is portrayed as an innocent campaigner who has more of a "helicopter view" of operations rather than an in-depth understanding.  She also loves horses...

Robert Glenister plays the ousted editor brilliantly.  He adopts a Kelvin Mackenzie character and much of the humour comes from him.  His language is at sewer level and he is responsible for many of the more ludicrous headlines we see on the front page of The Free Press.

Aaron Neil plays the hilariously deadpan ineptitude of police commissioner Sully Kassam.  He was one of the stars of the show with excellent comic timing and delivery.

There is a Murdoch figure with senile tendencies and an obvious ruthless streak.

There is a Prime Minister who represents the worst of Blair and Cameron, who beds Paige and will sacrifice all principles to acquire more power.

A female Andy Coulson appears, leaving the paper to take up a role in Downing Street.  This character is the type of person that one hates on sight, so, very well written and cast.

It's true enough to life to be credible, but the life portrayed is so base and despicable that there is little shock achieved because we've all seen and read about it.

The set is clever and versatile with large glass walls that serve as screens for displaying headlines from the Guardener "We think so you don't have to", The Dependent and of course, the star publication "The Free Press".  So while we're seeing "Crisis in Middle East" from the Guardener, we're also seeing "Immigrants eat swans" from The Free Press.

We also see BBS TV reports that bear a remarkable visual similarity to those of the BBC.  The use of video extends to some excellent YouTube spoofs of Sully Kassam's news conferences reminiscent of Nick Clegg's smash hit "I'm Sorry"; and "live" coverage of the Commons Select Committee in which, when challenged about spending £200K with a spying agency, Piper responds by asking the female chair whether the cost of a bikini wax that left a "heart-shaped landing strip" should have been claimed on MP's expenses.  Cue embarrassment and a Free Press headline "Tax on Wax" or was it "Wax on Tax"?  I forget.

The show contains the kind of language one might expect from a newspaper office.  In the first scene one character has the word "C*NT" on his forehead.  He's asked why and replies nonchalantly that he's "C*nt of the week."

It's currently showing at the National Theatre, tickets from £15 apparently.

By popular request - I have a fan

I say popular request but I actually mean Vic has been nagging me to blog again.

And other than Vic, I don't have a fan.

The weather's been hot and humid and this is the time of year my thoughts turn to spending money to make nights, particularly, a little cooler.

When we lived in the States we were the only people we knew in the neighbourhood who didn't have aircon.  We lived in a house that the Addams family would have been proud to occupy but it was the skankiest house in a very expensive neighbourhood, hence the lack of aircon.  So we had fans, or at least one fan.  We even brought the fan back to UK and hung onto it for years until the realisation of the voltage difference and an over-crowded loft, forced us to ditch it.

And every year, in the UK, I wonder about buying a fan, or three.  In a normal British summer I'd be using it for about three days but for the rest of the year it would live in the loft.  This means that even when it gets hot I won't be bothered with retrieving the fan(s) from the loft.

So is it worth it?  Should I spend my money?

And if I do spend my money do I go cheap and cheerful and buy a £20 plastic fan or do I spend £50 at least on a quality metal fan (that I'll hardly use ever)?

I think I might have made my mind up.

Chocolate Malteser and Matchstick cake

This was Ethan's birthday cake of choice this year.  It's got two key ingredients: Maltesers and Matchsticks but you could substitute with Smarties and Cadbury Fingers or Maltesers on the sides and top.  It is completely impractical.  Cutting it is a nightmare, but it looks good without much effort.

I'm going to split the recipe into two bits, the cake bits and the buttercream and decorating bits.

The cake

This is a deep sponge that is light in texture.  I'm sure this is possible using the all in one technique but the ingredients one at a time doesn't take much longer - that's the way my mum made cakes and she made a Victoria sponge or similar every other day.

You will need two 8" (20cm) cake tins.  I have non-stick tins with removable bases.  I swear they aren't properly non-stick.  I line and grease the base but if your tins are not non stick then grease the tins and then shake a mixture of flour and cocoa powder over the surface of the tins.  My mum had cake tins and she always greased and floured them.  I'm lazy and use Lakeland's magic paper that doesn't need greasing. 

Ingredients

• 225g margarine (Stork in a tub is what I use)
• 250g caster sugar
• 225g self-raising flour (I used Marriages)
• 2 tsps baking powder
• 4 tbsp cocoa powder
• 4 eggs (I used large eggs)
• 6 tbsp milk (I used skimmed)
• 2 tsp vanilla extract (not essence)
• pinch of salt (I forgot this)

Method

• You can pre-heat your oven now to 160˚C fan (or 180˚C conventional oven) or if you have a speedy oven then wait until the folding stage.
• Beat margarine and sugar until light and fluffy.  This is not a quick process and the mixture does become bigger in volume and lighter in colour.  I turn the mixer on high for a few minutes.
• Add the eggs one at a time and beat well after each addition.  This will curdle.  You can avoid this by adding a little flour with each egg or you can live with the curdling.  You will fix the curdling before it goes into the oven.  Trust me.
• Stir in the milk and vanilla.
• Add the flour, cocoa, salt and baking powder (ideally by sieving into the mixture).  
• Fold together using metal spoon.  If your mixture curdled earlier it is this process that can undo this - so keep going until you fix this (I resorted to a bit of stirring as well as folding).
• Divide between tins and pop in the oven for 30-35 minutes on the middle shelf.  Take out when an inserted skewer is clean when inserted and removed. 

The decoration

This is essentially a very unhealthy chocolate buttercream that you can stick things to.

Ingredients

• 250g softened unsalted butter
• 500g icing sugar
• 100g dark chocolate
• Maltesers/Matchsticks or whatever you want to stick to your cake.

Method

• Melt the chocolate in a bain marie or carefully in the microwave.
• Beat the sugar and icing sugar together.  If using a mixer then go easy because otherwise you'll be wearing the icing sugar.  Once it's combined then you can turn up the volume until it's light and fluffy.  Be careful not to over mix.
• Add the cooled, melted chocolate and beat for a further two minutes.

To add the decoration to the cake you need to carefully sandwich the cooled cakes together using the buttercream and then cover the cake with buttercream on the top and sides.  If you have leftover buttercream it can be frozen.

Stick decorations carefully into the buttercream et voilà.

I store it in the fridge because of the buttercream but I'm not sure that's necessary.

 

 

Barbaric mother

Me: "I've sent off for the tickets for your jazz concert so you'll have to play in it"

Ethan: "What if I crack my head open?"

Me:"Then we'll get it sewn up."

Ethan:"What if the operation is on the same day."

Me:"They won't operate on a Saturday. And anyway if you have blood pouring out of your head during the concert, the jazz people won't mind. It'll be something to add interest."

Ethan:"My mum's barbaric."

The Ultimate Anti-Allergy No Bake Cake

Hannah needed to bake cakes to take to school on her birthday.

Her school mates have various allergies, intolerances and dietary musts. 

This recipe is gluten free, dairy free, lactose free and vegan which I consider to be a triumph of recipe manipulation and creative thought.

I give you the Rice Krispie cake.

I can hear you saying "What about the butter Cardus? How can you make these without butter?" Well I substituted a vegan sunflower spread.

You're probably also thinking "What about the chocolate - that has dairy in it surely?" Not if you're careful, check the ingredients and choose dark chocolate.

What you might not know, and what was a surprise to me was that regular Rice Krispies contain barley which contains gluten. I wonder if the manufacturers realise they are missing out on the lucrative GF market. Anyway, Kallo (the rice cake kings) make whole grain Rice Krispies.

All of these dietary adjustments will add cost to your cakes so if you don't have to, don't make the adjustments.

Makes 12-18

Ideally you'll use a couple of 12 hole bun or muffin tins and cupcake or muffin cases.

Ingredients

200g non dairy dark chocolate

50g vegan sunflower spread

3tbsp golden syrup

100-150g Kallo Rice Krispies

Method

In a Bain Marie or using one minute burst in medium power microwave melt chocolate, spread and golden syrup.

When melted, stir in Rice Krispies a few at a time. Keep adding until the mixture looks right to you. Just 100g of Rice Krispies gives you a richer, more chocolatey cake and 150g will give you a thinner chocolate coating.

When Krispies are coated in choc, spoon into cupcake cases and then pop in fridge to set.

Voila! Cakes for almost every dietary requirement.