Advice for criminals

Don't stay at home between 4:00 and 7:00 am. This is when police do dawn raids.

Fancy a drink?

I decided I'd join the folk that abstain in January.

So, in theory, for the whole of this month I wasn't going to touch a drop of liquor.

Well I was doing quite well until I found myself in a pub a couple of weeks ago. I was asked, "What would you like?" and there was an instinctive response, almost a reflex response, that went something like "G&T please".

But, that evening aside, I have been very good. Well, I've been perfect if we're excluding that one aberation.

But this evening, I really, really, really wanted a drink. But I didn't succumb to temptation.
I will tomorrow.

Food for thought

I think the Sex Discrimination Act 1975 is a great piece of legislation.

I think it's fantastic now that women have equality in the workplace.

I'm really proud of my employer and the strides it's made towards encouraging women to join, and remain with, the company.

How ironic that in an internal meeting today, out of 17 attendees, only two were female. Food for thought?

And another thing....

There are a few other things I omitted from the church outing yesterday.

Firstly, I felt needed to rebel and, sort of in the same way that business women who wear masculine tailored suits to work wear very sexy lingerie underneath, I chose to wear something that might be considered unChristian under my churchy clothes. You don't need the details but it made me feel rebellious.

Secondly, I had the utmost respect for the man who wore a T-shirt that had an image of a large skull on it with the words 'sharp knives, guns and loud music' above the skull and a pair of crossed guns beneath the skull.

Thirdly, I had to stifle an explosion of laughter when, during a prayer, Hannah proffered a digit and whispered, in a stage whisper, "Pull my finger."

Church

Well I decided to take Hannah to church today.

And they blew it. They had an opportunity to get her hooked and she didn't enjoy it at all, and doesn't want to go back.

It is a long time since I've been to church for anything other than a christening, wedding or funeral. Even as a teenager I went to church to ring the church bells (yes, amazingly - I used to be a campanologist) but used to leave, with my mum, before the service started.

So I didn't really know what to expect, especially as the cosy village parish church I grew up with had a grumpy vicar who hated children and a declining congregation. Often there were more bellringers than there were congregation.

Well the first thing that annoyed me was the message for the children.

This was 'Education Sunday' and the service was based around children and education. The first message was "All the children know that when they're in church they shouldn't talk, unless they're talking to God. There is an area in the church hall with toys for children who find that too difficult." That is tantamount to saying "Naughty children in the hall please."

This immediately puts parents under stress. I've been in places where there's an expectation that children are quiet and it's really difficult. Throughout the service I could see parents trying desperately to hush their children. I could see tempers being restrained, but the tight lips of the parents belied the frustration and irritation.

The second thing that wound me up was some kind of requesting forgiveness for sins. This was a Church of England service, not a Catholic service, and I didn't expect the assumption that I am inherently evil and in need of forgiveness.

The third thing that irritated me was the service layout. I know they try and make it easy for newcomers, but it wasn't explained in the service. The responses differed throughout the service and it wasn't clear what you were supposed to be saying or singing or praying at any particular time. The old hands at the church knew what they were doing when but the newbies just looked like newbies.

Then there was communion. I debated whether to sit this one out, but reasoned that Hannah will be taken to the church for services by the school, and if she is going to be blessed, then it's best she knows the routine.

There was a different process for those who've been confirmed and those that haven't. The first time I became aware of this difference was at the age of 10 in a Catholic church in France (more of this another time). Those wanting a blessing rather than full communion had to carry a green booklet with them so the vicar would know what to do. So all of the people 'outside' the church had to carry a very visible label. Nice and discriminatory I thought. Much simpler was the method I was used to, head bowed for blessing, hands cupped for communion. This is something that vicar sees, and not whole congregation.

And the service took an hour and a half. Hannah told me at one point she was hungry and at another she was thirsty. "Sorry but you can't eat and drink in church" I said. "Why not?" she asked. "Just because that's the way that church is."

Hannah's principle complaint was the amount of standing up and sitting down.

Anyway we've been there and done that. If Hannah wants to go again, I'll take her. But she doesn't at the moment.

I did get chatting to a very nice woman next to me who, among other things, said "I always expect a church service like this to turn into a Monty Python sketch."

I wish it had.

Happy holidays

I'm fed up. This is probably my third or fourth evening recently-ish pounding the PC keyboard trying to find a holiday.

I've looked at France, Denmark, Norway, Belgium, Holland, UK.

I've explored villas (with and without pool), gites, cottages, campsites, Center Parcs and probably other stuff too.

I've investigated car, ferry, plane and channel tunnel.

Everytime I have an idea or think I'm getting somewhere Dave says something disparaging about either the location, the accommodation or the transport to get there.

Now let me think. Who sorted last years holiday? Er, me.

What about the year before? Er, me.

Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

Ever get the feeling you want to strangle someone?

Fairy tale

I would like to be Sleeping Beauty for the following reasons:

1. She was beautiful
2. She was a Princess and therefore loaded and didn't have to do housework
3. She lived in a castle, how cool is that?
4. As a baby she was blessed by 12 good fairies
5. She got to sleep for 100 years – bet she didn't have bags under her eyes
6. She was woken up by, and married, a handsome prince
7. She lived happily ever after

Dilemma

We have a dilemma. I think you know by now that we, Dave and I, are heathens and our daughter, Hannah, goes to a Church of England school. It's our nearest school at the end of the road.

A couple of weeks ago we were advised by letter in Hannah's school bag that St Thomas's will be having a very special education service this Sunday. Apparently it will be a really super service and all parents are encouraged to attend.

We didn't plan to attend until….

Hannah came home on Monday and said that there is going to be a special service at the church and we should all go. Apparently two children from the class will be walking down the aisle with the beautiful Miss Cleminson, the class teacher who appears to be an angel with many wonderful features and no character or physical flaws. Hannah then clarified that this wasn't a wedding.

I tentatively asked who the children were going to be, mentally 'praying' (OK metaphorically speaking, I wasn't really praying) one of them wasn't Hannah. She didn't know who they were going to be, although it seemed that Miss Cleminson would be choosing. Now at this point several things ran through my mind. Would she choose children of reliable church going parents, or would she select children who need to see the light?

Well there's still no news on the choice of children but Hannah still wants to go. I tested her resolve today. I suggested it might snow heavily on Saturday night and would she rather play in the snow, or go to church. Unfortunately she opted for the latter, her rationale being that she'd never been.

Do we go, or not?

I like riding on my bike...

I feel a rant coming on.

What has happened to cycling and cyclists?

An extract from the Highway code and I've extracted just the mandatory items:

46: At night your cycle MUST have front and rear lights lit. It MUST also be fitted with a red rear reflector (and amber pedal reflectors, if manufactured after 1/10/85). White front reflectors and spoke reflectors will also help you to be seen.
Law RVLR regs 18 & 24

So why do some idiots cycle at night without lights and reflectors? Don't they know they could get killed? Idiots!

48: Cycle Tracks. These are normally located away from the road, but may occasionally be found alongside footpaths or pavements. Cyclists and pedestrians may be segregated or they may share the same space (unsegregated). When using segregated tracks you MUST keep to the side intended for cyclists. Take care when passing pedestrians, especially children, elderly or disabled people, and allow them plenty of room. Always be prepared to slow down and stop if necessary.
Law HA 1835 sect 72

So why did the idiots I saw the other day decide to cycle on the wrong side of the road? Don't they know they could get killed? Idiots!

50: You MUST obey all traffic signs and traffic light signals.
Laws RTA 1988 sect 36, TSRGD reg 10(1)

So why do some cyclists think traffic lights are just for cars? Don't they know they could get killed? Idiots!

53: You MUST NOT carry a passenger unless your cycle has been built or adapted to carry one hold on to a moving vehicle or trailer ride in a dangerous, careless or inconsiderate manner ride when under the influence of drink or drugs.
Law RTA 1988 sects 24, 26, 28, 29 & 30 as amended by RTA 1991

So why do people cycle to the pub to avoid drink driving? Don't they know they could get killed? Idiots!

54: You MUST NOT cycle on a pavement. Do not leave your cycle where it would endanger or obstruct road users or pedestrians, for example, lying on the pavement. Use cycle parking facilities where provided.
Laws HA 1835 sect 72 & R(S)A sect 129

So why, tell me why, cyclists think it's OK to cycle on the pavement? Walking along in the dark yesterday I heard a ping behind me. The sound came from a bike bell but it wasn't a ring, it was a ping and I didn't know what it was. When the rider came closer she apologised and said "I'm sorry. I hate doing that to people." And I nearly said "What, creeping up behind people and pinging, or riding illegally on the pavement?"

Nuts!

To the advertising agency responsible for the campaign for Nuts magazine:
"Can I congratulate you on an exceptionally successful campaign. As a result of your hard work, I know the name of the publication you are promoting, I know it is available on Tuesdays and I know it's read by bigoted pigs."

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this exquisite piece of creative, the ad campaign says "Women, don't expect any help on a Tuesday".

I just wanted to pass on this little message to the 'creatives':
"I don't expect any help on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday or Monday and certainly not from the bottom feeders that read Nuts."

"No really, well done. Target market – Spot on."

Did I or didn't I?

I needed to take a few things to the dry cleaners today. I realised I had a ticket in my purse for a pair of trousers that needed collection. I couldn't remember which trousers they were so I was looking forward to finding out which they were.

I like our dry cleaner. It's a short walk from home and it's run by a really friendly team. They always ask me how I am, they give the kids sweets and they're always really chatty.

After a good chat about how busy we all are (and how I want to win the lottery and stay busy but perhaps be a bit more in control of my life) I handed over the clothes and the ticket. After a little while I was asked if I was sure I hadn't picked up the trousers already.

Well I still had the ticket, which would indicate I hadn't collected the trousers. But then I've got a really bad memory and couldn't figure out which trousers they were anyway.

So I said "Er, I might have done. Are you sure? Do you think? Maybe I did. Yes I probably did. Yes, I think I must have done."

And I walked out with nothing, except a ticket for the clothes I'd taken in. The really sad thing about this is I honestly don't know whether I picked up the trousers or not.

Product endorsement

I don't recommend a product unless I really think it deserves it. That's why companies are desperate for us to recommend their products to their friends and family. We trust one another far more than we trust the corporate entity when it comes to what does, and doesn't, deliver.

Well ladies (and gents who wax or shave their bodies) I have a product I cannot recommend highly enough. It's saved me a fortune and works so well I struggle to find fault.

The Braun Silk-epil (or newer X'elle) is brilliant. I've owned one for a year and I am still really impressed.

The only fault I can find is the pain. Personally I find the pain very manageable, more of an irritant than real pain. But anyone who's done waxing will be able to cope with this.

There are ice packs and slower speeds and wussy attachments for people with lower pain thresholds but I prefer the quicker 'get it over and done with' approach rather than faffing with ice packs.

Anyway - brilliant and a bargain. Honestly I can't recommend it enough and I'm not even on the Braun payroll.

Why?

Over the New Year there were two rapes within a couple of hundred yards of our front door. (I've checked and Dave was at home at the time. )

I read in the paper that two men have been arrested, one per rape. I think the police must be looking for help with the prosecution as there are signs posted to lampposts requesting that witnesses to get in touch.

I hate the fact that the rapes happened and it is unnerving that there were two different men committing the same crime so close to home. It was reassuring though that the police have arrested people and they're working to try and convict the people they've arrested (assuming they're guilty – if they're innocent then there's a lot more to worry about).

It will make me think twice about the five minute walk, ten minute stagger home from the High Street after a night out with the girls. I never used to think twice about the walk, and only got a taxi when others insisted. I'm still minded to think like that, partially because I have a feeling of immunity. I feel that nobody in their right mind would take me on.

There was another disturbing thing about this whole affair. On one of the police signs requesting assistance someone had scrawled 'f*** off'. I didn't understand that.

Boo!

I scared someone the other night.

When someone views my MySpace page I know they're there because of the meebo widget. I don't know who they are unless they change the display name, but I know someone is there. The way that I see them, or you, is as "meeboguest546372 is online".

Now the meebo widget allows online instant messaging without requiring the MySpace visitor to log into MSN or Yahoo, or Jabber, or ICQ, or whatever.

Now I usually leave the poor visitor (you) alone. I know you're there and equally you know I'm there. It'll tell you whether I'm logged into instant messaging via meebo or not. It's an unequal situation because the visitor knows exactly who I am, and I have no idea who the visitor is.

But the other night, I decided to say "boo!", initiating chat. I have absolutely no idea to whom I was saying "boo!" but I've never seen someone leave my page so quickly.

So sorry if I scared you. I don't know who you are but I was only being silly. Next time I say "boo!", say "boo!" back.

And if you really want to wind me up, don't change the display name. I hate the game of guess who the anonymous visitor is.

Goreteashed

Everyone is aware of the nine o'clock watershed. I think it's probably a good idea, but I think there may be room for adaptation.

I'm OK with the time and restrictions of the current watershed but I'd like to introduce another 'shed' and I've invented the 'goreteashed'.

On Tuesday night I sat down to eat my tea at about eight o'clock.

Quick sidebar explanation:
As I was growing up tea was a family event at exactly quarter past five every evening. The timing was dictated by Dad's work hours which and the time he could get home. Tea comprised of tea in a teacup from a teapot and a home made cake. Mum had an extensive range of home made cakes, usually Victoria sponge and associated variations.
Dinner was the main meal of the day and was eaten by the family sat at the dining room table. It was always a hot meal and there were always two courses: main and pudding. We always had pudding and everything was homemade.

So to get back to tea at 8 o'clock. It's only after mixing with these Essex folk that my evening meal started to be known as 'tea' hence sidebar discussion. I wasn't having tea and cake at eight o'clock.

Not only am I calling dinner, tea, but I'm also eating whilst sat on the sofa and not sat at the dining room table and on top of all this, the TV is on.

And this is why we need the goreteashed. On BBC2 there was a programme showing the dissection of bodies and organs. On Channel 4 there was the despicable Gillian McKeith with her show about obese people and graphic images of their flabby bodies and their excrement.

This is gore. And I don't want to see it when I'm eating my tea, hence goreteashed.

I think there should be several time bands for the goreteashed, perhaps around breakfast, lunch and tea/dinner times. Maybe that throws out the name goreteashed. Gorebreakfastshed doesn't have the same ring.

Am I dysfunctional?

Do you ever stand on a tube or train platform and think 'I could jump onto the rails. It would be really easy. I wouldn't even have to jump, I could just fall.'?

Or similar thoughts about jumping off tall buildings or jumping in front of buses?

Is it just me who thinks these things?

I imagine what would happen if I did.

Clearly there would be a mess to clean up and someone might try to save me. There would be the process of determining identity, finding my phone and probably someone using that to phone home. Then there are the harder things to think about.

How people would react, whether there would be a post mortem, what kind of funeral I'd have, how long before I was forgotten.

Because I know Dave and the children would cope perfectly well without me. There would be a period of adjustment and some tough conversations but it wouldn't take long for there to be a new routine that didn't involve me. Would Dave find someone else?

Don't get the wrong idea. I'm not suicidal. Or I don't think I am. But it has made me wonder about the people that do jump in front of trains. Do they just have the same idle thoughts as me but follow through without really thinking.

No pain no gain

I went to the gym the other night. Versus my usual workout I upped the level on all of the machines, added weights to most of the machines and then came home and had a big bowl of both choc and vanilla Green and Blacks ice cream and choc sauce.

I think this is what they mean with the whole no pain, no gain thing.

Average

I had a fitness assessment at the gym last week. It took over an hour and a man called Steve measured the following:

- Resting heart rate
- Recovery after exercise – stepping (high step) to metronome for - - 3 mins and then measure heart rate a minute after stopping.
- Waist and hip measurements
- Body fat as measured using the pinch test (or about five pinches ouch) and also by machine, pinching is apparently more accurate
- Flexibility – touching toes type thing
- Sit ups – how many in a minute
- Push ups – how many in a minute
- Lung capacity and peak flow – blowing into what looked like a breathalyzer

I didn't really like Steve.

We were talking about sit ups and I said that Dave reckons he does 250 sit ups when he goes to the gym. Steve said "he's not doing them properly." He asked how many we did (I went with Mel). I said 45 but I have done 100. Steve said "you're not doing them properly."

We were talking about squats. Again he asked how many we do and we said 45-50. Steve said "you're not doing them properly."

Steve doesn't even know us. He hasn't seen us exercise. How the hell does he know that we're not 'doing it properly?'

Anyway, there was another very good reason not to like Steve. He delivered the results of the assessment.

I'm average.

Anybody could tell me I was average and I'd probably take a dislike to them (except maybe Dr Who in David Tennant form – yummy).

Not an ex-friend

For the last few months I've been thinking that a friend hasn't been in touch because of something I said or did.

I've stayed in touch but it has been one way. I had come to the conclusion that whatever I'd done was so vile that I'd never hear from this friend again. I thought I'd once again become an ex-friend.

Well yesterday I sent an e-mail that resulted in a response. And I'm not mad and bad and unworthy of friendship (except in the view of Nemone and a few others).

This is good on a couple of fronts, bad on another couple.

Firstly, I'm not still unwittingly being the evil, nasty person that I thought I must have become (or had always been maybe).

Secondly, it was worth staying in touch and persisting because we're now back in touch, although I am basing this on one e-mail response.

However, flipping the coin – the reason they've not been in touch is because life's not been great and they're really down.

And also, because they're feeling low, they're not likely to be in touch much because it's difficult to do anything when life's just uphill all the way.

So there's a dilemma. I want to be supportive, but I want to give them time and space. I want to keep in touch, but then I don't want to overdo it and become another problem.

Friendships are tricky sometimes.

Sucker!

"triple action plumping formula"

"peptides that prompt skin's natural collagen production"

"with collagen biospheres"

"enriched with Omega 3+6, Magnesium and caffeine"

"enriched with mango & shea butter"

"Look up to 5 years younger in a flash"

"retin A"

"peptides"

Is it just me or is the world of cosmetics advertising just full of useless, meaningless, fabricated verbiage and lies!

Does all of this stuff go through the Advertising Standards Agency and get a rubber stamp because it's full of mumbo jumbo that's designed to sound scientific and nobody has the gumption to challenge it?

I have wrinkles. I'd love a miracle treatment that would rewind time but IT DOESN'T EXIST!

Why do women (and occasionally men) spend fortunes on this stuff?

I use moisturiser religiously morning and night and I have wrinkles the depth of a ploughed furrow. Mel, who admittedly is a tad younger than me, has beautifully soft skin without a crease and she doesn't touch the damn products. IT'S NOT FAIR!!!

I hate genetics.