Shane's (edited) 46 stages of Twitter

1. Hear the word Twitter.  Scoff.
2. Hear it again from someone else.  Scoff again.
3. Hear about famous celebrity who is apparently "On Twitter."  Scoff, but make mental note to check it out.
4. Log into Facebook to comfort self.
5. Sign up for Twitter.
6. Give up because it seems dumb.
7. Loudly criticize others on Twitter.
8. Follow @stephenfry, @jimmycarr, @schofe, @Lord_Sugar, @alancarr, @richardpbacon, and one other person you actually know.
9. Post tweet that is a variant of: "Trying out this Twitter thing."
10. Attempt to dig a little deeper into Twitter.
11. Notice rampant usage of words: "Tweet," "Twitter," "Twitterverse," "Tweetie," "Tweetdeck," and something called "RT."
12. Scoff again, this time in confusion.
13. Tell friends you "tried that Twitter thing, but didn't get it and it's stupid anyway."
14. Log into Facebook because that site at least makes sense.
15. Read story about Twitter somewhere.
16. Log back into Twitter.
17. Try to avoid saying Tweet, Twitter, Twitterverse, Tweetie, Tweetdeck, and ReTweet
18. Respond to @stephenfry.
19. Curse self for fanning out.
20. Log off for 4 months.
21. Come back, just to see.
22. Post something relatively funny.
23. Get RT'd.
24. Discover that RT means ReTweet.
25. Make it your life mission to get RT'd.
26. Install Twitter app on your phone.
27. No longer ashamed to say "I've got to tweet that."
28. Attend events with the sole intention of "Tweeting" them.
29. Pray to get RT'd.
30. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh.
31. Close computer.
32. Open computer.  Refresh.  Refresh.  Refresh.
33. Think in 140 character sentences.
34. Compulsively check phone all day every day.
35. Tweet that you compulsively check phone all day every day.
36. Alienate actual people in your life in an attempt to impress ones you don't know.
37. Lose weight because you forget to eat.
38. Place phone by bed so you can check first thing in the morning.
39. Defend Twitter to the death from detractors.
40. Hear self, and vaguely recognize that you have become "That Guy/Girl."
41. Feel like, and start to behave like a geek. 
42. Vow to quit Twitter to preserve sanity.
43. Read this and change mind.
44. Think to self, "I should tweet that."
45. Recognise irony.
46. Tweet it.

If I can't take it with me when I go…

 

Unlike Eartha Kitt, I know that when I have to go, I won't have a choice.  I also know that I don't want to take things with me when I go.  All of which begs the question "So why is my loft full of stuff that I'm keeping for posterity?"

What should one keep for future generations?

My loft has a few different categories of "stuff".

Christmas decorations - I have too many of these but can't bring myself to let go.  Additionally every year I see more that I want and, whilst my willpower is strong, I occasionally crack.

Camping gear - We started with basic camping gear and, over the years, our camping gear has grown, like Topsy.  If I were starting afresh then I would have a lot less gear and it would stack nicely and pack neatly into the back of a Ford Fiesta.  As it is we're pushing our luck when we try and fit it into an S-MAX.

Baby stuff - We are a two child family.  If a third child appears on the scene it's either an accident, or it was the only way to escape a job I wasn't enjoying.  We have disposed of most of the major baby items but we do have some things.  We have a travel cot, baby toys and books, a potty, bottle steriliser, disposable bibs, toddler plates and bowls.  Because we might have baby and toddler visitors and, if we do, these things may be useful.  When our children were small we never expected people to have anything when we visited them and yet I want to be prepared for the "just in case" scenario.

I have ornaments that we have bought over the years that have been relegated to the loft.  We don't have space for everything it seems so things languish in the attic.  Some of these things were chosen on holiday or given to us.  It seems wrong to get rid of them.

Ski gear - We don't ski a lot.  We hardly ski at all.  Our loft has skis, poles, ski bag, ski boots, ski clothes.  Why?

Suitcases and backpacks - Everyone has these don't they?

Sports gear - The badminton, tennis, racquetball and squash gear.   The rollerblades and diving gear.

Spare bedding - Duvets, pillows and stuff.  Surely this is normal too?

Books - Kids' books that belonged to us as children, kids' books that belonged to our children, adult books that belonged to us, adult books that belonged to adults who have died but that we think are books "of note", educational books that remind us we were clever once.

Childhood memories - cards, letters, certificates, school work, souvenirs, toys (for us and the children).

Things that other people valued because they kept them and they're now dead and we now feel bad about getting rid of it.

Surely this is normal hoarding, or do we need help?

Oh, and I haven't even mentioned the stuff we store in the garage and the shed.

 

 

 

Spring chicken crowd pleaser

You know those weekends when the hoards descend and you need an easy and tasty recipe?  I have such a recipe.  I rarely share main course recipes because I'm not very good at savoury dishes and I rarely find something worthy of a blog.  This recipe deserves to be posted.

I'll give you the ingredients for four people but it's easy to make more, pan sizes permitting.

Ingredients

• 1 onion
• 500g chicken - the recipe says boneless, skinless chicken thighs but I don't think it matters if the joints are chicken breast or if they still have the skin on but chicken breasts should be cut in two
• 300g small new potatoes
• 425ml veg stock (from stock cube)
• 350g broccoli, cut into small florets
• 350g spring greens (I substituted french beans as my children wouldn't eat spring greens)
• 140g petit pois
• a bunch of spring onion
• 2 tbsp pesto (the green basil variety - I didn't have any jar pesto so I whizzed up some fresh)

Method

• Heat some oil in a pan and fry the chicken until lightly coloured.
• Add the onion and fry gently until softened.  The recipe says to do this the other way round but I can't get colour on the chicken if there's already onion in the pan.
• Add the potatoes, stock and some freshly ground pepper and bring to the boil.
• Cover and simmer for 30 mins until potatoes are tender and the chicken is cooked.
• (You can freeze at this point if you want to.)
• Add the broccoli, spring greens (french beans), petit pois and spring onions, stir well and return to boil.
• Cover then cook for 5 mins.
• Stir in pesto and heat through.
• Serve.

You can choose different green veg for this dish but the size of the veg needs to be small enough to cook in about 5 mins.

It's the pesto that makes this dish special and it really is easy to make (and there's not much washing up either).

Lateral thinking

I've always thought that I'm quite lucky to be working in marketing for an automotive company.  It has to be more exciting than working in marketing for an aggregates company doesn't it?

Well the answer is probably yes but I've found a lovely bit of aggregate marketing that is very clever.

Whilst driving along a road I saw a ginormous pothole and thought "Somebody needs to know about that."  I stopped, took a picture and then thought "So who do I tell?"

I could phone Brentwood Council who would tell me it was a Highways concern which is managed by the County Council and they'd give me a phone number which wouldn't be answered and I'd get annoyed and I might try again but to no avail.  The lack of commas in that sentence was deliberate.  It should have left you gasping for breath. expiring as well as exasperated.

I could use Twitter but the Council ignore tweets with gay abandon.

I could use Facebook but that can be ignored quite easily too.  Either that or a placatory response can be posted but no action taken.

What I needed was an app.  As is usual in these scenarios, I find my genius idea has already been invented by someone quicker and smarter than me, and this time it was someone who worked in aggregate marketing.

If you check out www.fillthathole.org.uk you'll find the link to this app.  This app allows you to report a pothole with a really simple interface and whilst the website is branded with CTC - The UK's National Cyclists Organisation, the funding behind the app is Aggregate industries at www.aggregate.com.

The link was obvious to me.  Aggregate is what is used to fill potholes.  It's the perfect way to generate demand for your product.  It also happens to be timed to coincide with a doubling of the funding pot for pothole repairs as announced by the Government here.

Very clever lateral thinking.

 

If you're searching for my pothole you need to look for Hazard number #66845

 

A job you wouldn't want

I have reached the end of my tether as far as TalkTalk are concerned.

The problems I blogged about a while ago have continued.

On March 26th TalkTalk wrote to me advising that a new Direct Debit Instruction has been set up for my account.  (The previous instruction had been cancelled by TalkTalk in error.)

Today they have sent me a red reminder about an outstanding balance (caused by the cancellation of the Direct Debit) and they helpfully suggest that I register, or reinstate a Direct Debit for my Tiscali service.

1. They have a Direct Debit mandate and can take money owing.
2. Tiscali is the old name for TalkTalk and hasn't been used for years but the debt collection department haven't bothered to update their letter.
3. The red reminder threatens to "restrict" my service.

I'm beyond angry and frustrated into a whole new stratosphere of something beyond anger and frustration.  Were the delightful Mr Fry here he would use his enormous brain to provide me with suitable words to describe my mood.

The call centre staff have had plenty of opportunities to resolve this, as have the Twitter Social Media team so I went to the next level.  I discovered a TalkTalk Facebook page but posts were disabled. I left a comment on a post but it wasn't good enough, I needed a more satisfying outlet.

I googled "TalkTalk CEO e-mail address" and my trusty CEO e-mail address site popped up: ceoemail.com

Consequently Dido Harding received an e-mail outlining my woes and requesting intervention, but that still didn't float my boat (dido.harding@talktalkplc.com if you're interested).

I then thought that I needed to leave TalkTalk so started a Google search relating to that and found people who had found it difficult to leave TalkTalk.  It was then I found the TalkTalk Community forum.  I started started surfing through the thousands and thousands of complaints and issues that had been posted.  I spotted that there was only one person responding to all of these forum posts.  Em, at TalkTalk, seems to be the only person who deals with all of the angry and frustrated people who are on the receiving end of TalkTalk's legendary appalling Customer Service.  I wouldn't want her job for all the tea in China, or anywhere else for that matter.

Gluten free key lime pie

I wanted a gluten free dessert for an Easter family gathering and came across this recipe.  It wasn't gluten free when I found it, but with a small adaptation it could be and it was also easy to make.

Ingredients

For the base

• 350g gluten free digestive biscuits (gluten free digestives are sold in Tesco and Sainsbury but if you don't have an allergy/intolerance to gluten then just use normal digestives)
• 125g unsalted butter

For the filling

• 4 large eggs, separated
• 400ml full fat condensed milk (I used low fat)
• Finely grated zest and juice of 4 limes
• 50g golden caster sugar (I used normal granulated)

Method

• Preheat oven to 160°C (fan oven) and grease a deep 25cm fluted tart tin with a loose bottom.  I don't think my tart tin was very deep and it would have been better if it had been deeper.  This is the one I used.
• To make the base crush the biscuits either in a bag using a rolling pin or using a food processor.
• Melt the butter and mix with the biscuit crumbs.  When I did this I lacked faith and panicked and added more butter.  Don't do what I did.  Have faith and follow the recipe.
• Press the biscuit and butter mixture into the greased tin on the base and up the sides to make the pie case.  If you don't have a tart tin then you can use a springform tin instead but it won't look quite as pretty.
• Bake the case in the oven for 10-15 minutes.  My case shrank in the oven and I nearly threw the thing in the bin.  I think that might have been because I messed with the recipe and added too much butter.  But just in case your case shrinks too, then just make up a little extra biscuit and butter mix and do a DIY fix up job where it shrank (but don't re-bake the case).  This might not matter if you have a very deep tart tin but if you don't then you will need the sides of the case to be as tall as possible to contain the filling.
• For the filling, beat the egg yolks until they are light and fluffy and then beat in the condensed milk, lime zest and juice.
• In another bowl, whisk the egg whites and sugar until firm.
• Gently fold the egg whites into the lime mixture using a large metal spoon.
• Fill the biscuit base with the lime mixture and bake in the oven for 20-25 minutes until set and slightly browned around the edges.  When I filled my base I had a little bit too much filling for the size of my base.  I also had a bit extra base mix after my DIY fix it job on the base.  I used the extra biscuit base in a couple of ramekins and baked for a few minutes and then added the spare filling thus making two extra mini desserts.  Also, when baking the main pie I saw that one edge of the pie went a light brown colour quite quickly so I spent the whole of the baking time gradually turning the pie in the oven so it cooked evenly.
• Once out of the oven, the pie, not you, leave to cool.  The pie will shrink a bit so don't worry this is normal.
• I remove from the tin by putting the tin on a bowl and gradually removing the edge of the tart tin downwards allowing me to lift the pie away from the edge bit of the tin.  I've not been brave enough to remove from the base of the tin.  That just seemed like a disaster waiting to happen.
• Just before serving, dust the pie lightly with icing sugar.  You could go the whole hog and do fancy decoration with lime slices and mint leaves like the person who wrote the recipe in the first place, like this. Or not.

 

 

 

Don't panic Captain Mainwaring

The tanker drivers are threatening a strike.  We're all on tenterhooks waiting for the seven day strike warning whilst draining petrol stations of their supplies.

It's a lesson in how to afford to strike.

You don't get paid when you're on strike.  You can get strike pay from the Union but it's not as much as the wage.

So how do people who claim to be underpaid, afford to go on strike?

If you're a tanker driver it works like this:

• Threaten to strike but don't set a date.
• Get the Government so scared that they advocate panic buying.
• People then panic buy draining petrol stations who will call their suppliers requesting more deliveries
• Tanker drivers will then be asked to do overtime, at premium rates, to keep up with demand.
• Everyone will eventually have a full tank of fuel, making a strike ineffective.
• Wait a bit until people have forgotten about the strike.
• Leak a confidential report advocating imminent strike.  This whips the nation into panic buying again promoting the same cycle of demand prompting overtime.
• Don't strike on date in confidential leaked report "because it was leaked."
• When you have earned enough to weather a strike then choose a juicy bank holiday weekend to wreak havoc.

Of course I could be wrong...

Never mind talking, are you listening?

It all started with an automated message.

TalkTalk wanted us to call them and they requested that we do this by leaving an automated message on our answer phone. By automated I mean pre-recorded.  The message was not left by a human being that had called, it was left by an automated dialler.

Husband picked up another couple of these messages and we ignored them, but they annoyed me and so I told TalkTalk using my favourite medium for initial contact with a company, Twitter.

TalkTalk responded asking whether it was a sales call.  I clearly didn't know because I refuse to respond to a robot.  If TalkTalk want to contact me they can use a real person to make contact.

TalkTalk then sent me, via Twitter, a form requiring name, address, customer account, phone number, e-mail address, mobile number and bank details.  Although it was a pain to look this up, I did because I wanted to follow through on my complaint.

The next contact was an e-mail saying the details I supplied didn't match the records they had.  I presumed this was confusion over my first name and the middle name I use on a daily basis.

It irritated me that, despite having the account details they needed to investigate my complaint, they refused to do so because there was one tiny discrepancy.  They had sent through the form for me to complete again.  I didn't know for sure which field or fields didn't match their records and didn't look forward to the prospect of multiple attempts at form filling.  It might be worth pointing out that the request that came in with the original form didn't ask me to "Please complete this form…" it just said "Can you complete this form…".  It's a small thing but manners cost nothing.

At this point I'm not viewing TalkTalk favourably.  This is unfortunate for the poor man in the TalkTalk call centre who chose exactly that time to call (just five minutes before I have to leave the house for the school run.)

I think that during this call I realised why TalkTalk had been trying to make contact.  The call with the unfortunate man went something like this:

"Hello"

"Is that Mrs Cardus?"

"Yes, who's calling?"

"It's TalkTalk"

"What do you want?"

"I need to take you through security."

At this point it's tempting to shout "YOU CALLED ME.  WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU CALLED?" but I didn't.  I "went through security".

"There's a problem with payment on your account."

"What's the problem."

"Your account needs paying."

"It's on Direct Debit so there shouldn't be a problem."

"There's a problem with the Direct Debit."

"Well there shouldn't be because it comes out of our bank account which is linked to our mortgage and I know there are sufficient funds available to make payments."

"The Direct Debit has been cancelled."

"Not by me it's not.  Who's cancelled the Direct Debit?"

"*coughs* It's been cancelled by someone at TalkTalk by accident."

"Right.  Send me a new Direct Debit form and I'll complete it and send it back."

"But your account will be overdue."

"Not my fault, you cancelled the Direct Debit."

"But if your account is overdue then we might cut you off."

"Well I hope you wouldn't given that it's your fault the account is overdue."

"If I could just take payment by card."

"I don't think so."

and on and on and on until

"I can put you through to Customer Service."

"No you can't because I have to go.  Get them to call me."

 

Lessons for TalkTalk from this experience:

1. Don't leave automated messages because they are impersonal and they are entirely inappropriate when dealing with a situation relating to finance and an error on the part of TalkTalk.
2. Improve your customer issue handling and don't make the customer do all the work.
3. Say sorry, please and thank you where appropriate.
4. When a TalkTalk error has created an issue then don't threaten the customer
5. If you do cut off our service we will leave and you will never see us again.

 

 

 

Smashing belief

Hannah announced this evening "I know your little secret."

I didn't know what to say.  Depending on your point of view I either have a lifetime of little secrets or none at all and I didn't know what Hannah's angle was.

She'd worked out there was no tooth fairy.  She'd found a box containing teeth.  I know this sounds grim but where should children's teeth end up?

I didn't confirm or deny anything.

Hannah asked if she could have a financial reward for the latest tooth to fall out.  I had to explain that only children who believe in the tooth fairy benefit financially from tooth loss.  I felt bad but this was uncharted territory and I was winging it.

Should I have a rethink in the morning?

Lemon drizzle traybake

The best bit of a lemon drizzle cake is the lemon drizzle.  Frankly, the cake is nothing without the drizzle.

I've often felt that there is not enough drizzle for the average lemon drizzle cake, but happily I have found a solution.

This is Andrea's recipe but she freely admits she stole it from the wonderful Mary Berry.

Ingredients:

• 225g margarine (I use olive spread)
• 225g sugar (granulated or caster)
• 275g self-raising flour
• 2 tsps. baking powder
• 4 eggs
• 4 tbsps. milk
• Finely grated zest of 2 lemons
• For the crunchy topping: 175g granulated sugar
• Juice of 2 lemons

Method:

• Line 30cm x 23cm traybake tin with baking parchment
• Heat oven to 160’ C/325’ F/ Gas Mark 3
• Beat margarine and sugar until light and fluffy
• Add the eggs 2 at a time with a spoonful of the SR flour to stop the mixture curdling. Continue adding the flour and baking powder, mixing well after each addition
• Add the milk and the lemon zest, mixing in well so it is evenly distributed
• Turn the mixture into the prepared tin and level the top gently with the back of a spatula
• Bake in the middle of the oven for 35 – 40 minutes until the traybake springs back when pressed lightly with a finger in the centre and is beginning to shrink away from the sides of the tin
• To make the crunchy topping, mix the granulated sugar and lemon juice in a small bowl to give a runny consistency
• Spoon this mixture evenly over the traybake while it is still just warm
• Cut into squares when cold
• Eat

If you have struggled, as I have, to find a suitable tray bake tin, then I recommend you invest in a Silverwood tin which gives you all sorts of cake size options and is also good for those strapped for storage space.

Great night out

It's not every day you get to lick out a walnut whip.

The PTA organised a quiz night at the school.  I say PTA but I think that means Jenny and helpers.  I'm on the PTA but I didn't even make it onto the PTA team.  I think I'm an also ran.

My team was great.  I'm not entirely sure about the team selection process.  I think I just happened to be staying in the right place at the right time at the school pick up.

Anyway - booze was really cheap because it was a bottle from the wine rack.

Food was really cheap as it was just a bag of crisps and a bag of Japanese cracker things that were in the cupboard.

Company also shared my base sense of humour.  Either that or they were very polite and tolerant.

I drank, I laughed, we didn't win, but I didn't care.

Next time, same team, more fun, some cheating (can't believe they didn't want to cheat at all) and more winning.

Naughty Boy Pancakes

Ethan was mean to Hannah yesterday.  It was completely unacceptable behaviour and it required a tough punishment.

He had been waxing lyrical about how much he was looking forward to pancake day and that was his undoing.  His punishment was to have no pancakes on pancake day.

He cried.  I felt guilty.

This morning he woke up crying.  I felt guilty.

This afternoon when I picked him up from school he cried.  I felt guilty.

He told me that this was probably the worst day of his life.  I laughed silently and invisibly at the lengths to which he would go to try and get me to change my mind.  Outwardly I was considerate but firm and stuck with the punishment.  I also explained to Ethan that in a normal year there are about 362 days that are pancake free for him and perhaps he should re-evaluate the disastrous nature of the predicament in which he found himself.

Hannah had pancakes (about ten of them), Ethan and I had none.

I thought you might like a recipe for pancakes.  Let's call it Naughty Boy Pancakes although in reality it's merely Nigella's recipe repackaged.

Makes ten (ish) pancakes:

Ingredients

• 150g flour
• 1 egg
• 325ml milk
• 30g unsalted butter melted and cooled a little
• More unsalted butter for cooking

Method

• Take flour egg and milk and put into a tall jug (the sort that comes with those whizzy blender thingies).  Use whizzy blender thingy to mix batter then stir in melted butter.
• Melt some butter in a frying pan.
• When butter is sizzling a little then pour in enough batter which when swirled around the pan adequately covers the bottom of the pan.  I find that when poured the batter covers about two fifths of the pan before swirling.
• You need to cook until nicely browned on the underside.  This should be less than a minute.
• Flip the pancake with either panache and style using just the pan and a toss or, if you're like me, using a fish slice.
• Cook for same amount of time on this side and then serve.
• I find I end up being a pancake factory on Shrove Tuesday constantly serving hungry mouths but if you want to make this more of a sit down at the table affair then cook all you need and just ping in microwave to warm them up before serving.
• Serve with whatever you fancy.

Ethan's talking to me now and I think we're friends again.  He has a short memory.

 

 

Solar panel installation part cinq

It's over, or has it just begun?

The panels are installed, the bills have been paid and we're just waiting for the certificate, a copy of which needs to be sent off to our energy supplier.

This weekend was the first time we'd had the chance to see whether the panels were working properly.

They are.  We're happy.

Help required

On 25th March there is a half marathon in Brentwood that (literally) runs past our house.  It's an annual event and we can usually be found enjoying a coffee whilst cheering on the runners.

Last year though the half marathon happened soon after the terrible tsunami that hit Japan.  We decided we had an ideal opportunity to harness the money-making potential of other people who watch the marathon near our house.

With Hannah and Ethan as top salespeople we ran a homemade cake stall and raised about £175 which we sent off the the Red Cross Tsunami Appeal.

Given that it worked so well last year we thought we'd do it again this year.  This year though we thought we'd raise funds for Hopefield Animal Sanctuary, which I think is our closest charity.

The baking has started and so has the resultant freezer filling.  Clearly the freezer capacity I have dictates the amount of cake I can make ahead and make available for sale.  Unless of course I enlist your help.

Would any of you bake cakes that we could sell?  A cake or batch of muffins from every reader of this blog would be amazing.  A casual chat at a tweetup has already generated the offer of some cakes which got me thinking that other people might be willing to pitch in.

The experience from last year taught me that sale of hot drinks would be appreciated.  I can get my hands on an urn but I would love some extra hands to help sell, serve and drum up business.  Could you help?  Do you have access to another urn?  Do you have any access to free cold drinks that we can sell.  I plan to ask Sainsbury but do you know anywhere else that might be able to help?

I don't want this to be the Ann show.  Basically I have a location that is brilliant for taking advantage of an event that is already being organised.  I want to raise as much money as I can for a very worthy cause.  I don't care who you are, if you want to help me do that, you're very welcome.  Can you help?

 

Solar installation part quatre

There's an expression that starts "If you can't stand the heat…" but there were no kitchens involved in this installation so it doesn't really fit.

The best expression that might fit would be "The sun always shines on the righteous."  Allow me to elaborate.

CB Renewables sub-contract the fitting work and the first of these sub-contractors to turn up this morning were the roofers.  I was in the shower when they arrived and wasn't really looking my best.  Dave sorted access to materials in the garage and moved my car while I rushed to to make myself presentable, or at least put some clothes on and dry my hair.

I made tea for the roofers and the electricians who had also arrived.  It was just after eight in the morning and we needed to leave for Ethan's saxophone lesson.  I promised I'd be back at about nine.

When I returned I popped the kettle on again and warmed up some pre-baked banana and chocolate muffins that were in the freezer.

I figured we might need more muffins so I baked a batch of double chocolate muffins which came out of the oven just before the guys had reached this stage of the installation.

Everything seemed to be going well as I went outside to sort deliver round two of tea and muffins.

About an hour later and the kettle went on again and out went a tray with tea and double chocolate muffins.

I decided I needed more muffins and knocked out a batch of orange and date muffins which accompanied another round of teas another hour later.  The install still seemed to be going well and panels were going up on the roof.  There were some questions about the electricity earth arrangements that I couldn't fully answer but which were cleared up with a few tests.

I waited another hour before refuelling the install team with tea and orange and date muffins and thought I might need another muffin variety to entertain the troops.  I looked at the ingredients in the cupboard and found some cranberry sauce.  The next batch I churned out were therefore orange and cranberry and by this time the install looked like this:

The team and I were keen to test the output.  A worried spark came into the house saying there was a problem.  The system was generating 660V and the inverter was only able to take an input of 550V.  The only conclusion was that we'd need a different inverter.  The day had been so sunny, and so cold, that conditions were perfect for optimal power generation.  Solar panels like it sunny and cold.  The panels had exceeded our expectations to the extent that the inverter couldn't cope.  Whilst that means a delay to the completed install, it also means more power generated than we expected which is fantastic news.

The kettle went on for the final time and I served up the experimental orange and cranberry muffins with a hot mug of tea.

The sparks will be back to redo the inverter installation, so I'd better get baking because the sun always shines on the righteous.

 

Solar installation part trois

One of the things we had to do ahead of the installation was get the ivy removed from the roof.  It's a shame that the tree surgeon only took it off the roof and not the wall too.  Luckily the lovely Matt at Prince trees sorted that out today, or rather his super speedy team sorted it.

Four blokes turned up and, in the time it took me to make coffee and them to drink the coffee, they'd finished the job.

The other thing we needed to do was to send the Wattson off for upgrade, transmitter and Easifit kit.  We did that too and haven't had it returned yet, but if my luck goes well then it'll arrive back tomorrow.

The last thing was to clear the garage to make space for the solar panel delivery.

We have sifted and sorted and got rid of a ton of stuff to charity and Freecycle.  Today we had two deliveries even though I was only expecting one.

To the first van driver that arrived I said "Have you got some solar panels for me?"  He didn't, but he had the hardware and the inverter that would would be needed to fit the panels.  The panels arrived later via lorry.  It was a good job we had cleared a space in the garage because the panels were delivered on a pallet and they are huge.

So we're ready, and we're really excited (or I'm really excited).

Solar part deux

Steve came round today for the survey part of the process of Solar Panel installation.

We'd agreed I'd be flexible.  Steve was travelling from the other side of London and I was going to be at home most of the afternoon.  Our "meeting" was for sometime in the afternoon.  In conversations with the Carmichael Brown office we had a guess that it might be about 2:30 ish.

Steve finally made it round the inglorious M25 and to my door by about 4:40, just as I was thinking we needed to leave to get the kiddiwinks to their swimming lessons. I said hello to Steve, unlocked the garage and then abandoned him to the garage and the house.

You might think this is strange as I don't really know Steve, but I trust him because my friend Sindy wouldn't marry a bad'un.

Having dumped the children in the changing room I legged it back home to make Steve a coffee and answer questions.

I need room for a generation box and a meter.  I'm probably using the wrong terminology but I need something that shows what's being generated at any point in time and a meter that tells the Feed in Tariff pot holders what to pay me.

Steve said that it is possible to link the generation box to a Bluetooth system which allows generation to be shown in the house.  This is perhaps more of a consideration for us because our system will be based in our garage which isn't attached to our house.

The other exciting thing is that we might be able to link a system with our Wattson which will show how much electricity we are using or how much we are feeding into the grid.  Steve went away to explore that a little further.

It turns out the judges that were looking at the Government's Appeal regarding the Feed in Tariff reduction couldn't make a decision and so have given themselves some more time to make a decision.

So just over an hour later and Steve was done and on his way.  He'd measured the roof, looked at the electricity supply, realised we didn't have an earth in the garage (oops) and explained the Bluetooth Wattson solution choices.

I then dashed over to the swimming pool to collect two children who were exhausted and hungry, not unlike myself.

Horns of a dilemma

I am a lucky person but maybe that's because I "always look on the bright side of life."

Yesterday I spent most of the day in a Planning Appeal Hearing.  I was supporting the Council, and on the opposite side of the table were our neighbours.

We, "the residents", did a good job of making our case.  There were a lot of us in the room and we presented our points effectively.

I don't know whether the Planning Inspector will uphold the appeal or not.  He seemed to be a very fair and reasonable gentleman and I have complete faith in his abilities.  He had clearly done his homework, as we had, prior to the meeting and this was very reassuring.

You might think that I might resent my neighbours for putting us through the stresses and strains associated with the Planning and Appeal process, but I don't.

Ken and Jane are trying to improve their circumstances, and I don't know that many people that would say no to an opportunity to make a quick profit.  What they don't realise is that, regardless of how the Planning Inspector concludes this case, they have done me a favour.

How many of us know our neighbours?  We might say hello.  We might nod acknowledgment when we pass our neighbours in the street.  We might even pop round to collect a package left by a courier company in our absence.  But that isn't really knowing them.

Because of this planning application I have knocked on doors and met people.  I've had proper conversations with the people in my neighbourhood.  I've invited local people into my home for tea, coffee, wine, beer and cake (always cake).  I've got e-mail addresses and phone numbers.  I don't just say hello to these people anymore.  We stop and chat when we bump into one another.  And you know what - they're the best people.

I've had an amazing amount of support from this wonderful group of people and I like living here even more than before.  I have Ken and Jane to thank for this.

I hope the Appeal is refused, but Dave and I need to think about what to do if it is allowed.  Previously we had said we would move.  In fact we had planned a big extension to our house but have scaled back our plans to something far more modest.  Our current plan is to fix the house and mend the things that need mending, decorate the things that need decorating.

If the Appeal is allowed we will then have a house that is ready for sale (in a few years time after the build is completed because nobody wants to move in to a house that is next to an existing or potential building site).  If the Appeal is refused we will have a house that is mended and decorated and a pleasant place to live.

The dilemma is that if the Appeal is allowed and we plan to move, we will be moving away from lovely people.  Maybe that would be enough of a reason to stay put.

A little gem

Today I needed to get a document printed.  46 pages of A4 in colour.

I went to Hussey Knights which is a well-established company in Shenfield.  They told me they were busy and I'd have to wait an hour and a half and then quoted £58.  I fell over and had to be resuscitated. Not quite, but that's expensive.  I walked out without any prints.

I remembered someone recommending Brentwood Community Print in Warley so I hopped in the car.  They could do the job while I waited and would charge £13.80.  I asked for two copies.

Brentwood Community print is a fantastic organisation that helps people who are recovering from mental illness to integrate back into the community.  They are helpful, friendly and cheap.  I can't recommend them enough.

We're taking the plunge

I've wanted to install a Solar PV (photovoltaic) system for a while and I mean years.

Things that have held me back include: husband's reluctance, not knowing which company would be a good company, not understanding how it all works and generally being busy and not having time to find out more.

The thing that changed all of this was a conversation with a friend and the discovery that her husband and son are in the Solar PV business.  I've known this friend for a long time and, whilst she's as mad as a badger, she's also someone I admire immensely.  She has endless energy and the biggest heart which feeds her generous spirit.  Any husband and son of hers would be excellent people to do business with.  They would be trustworthy, reliable and do a good quality job.  They wouldn't be able to help themselves; it would be genetic.

Sindy's son Seb came round one day to explain the systems to us.  He was knowledgable, affable and patient.  He sat with a foot in plaster talking to me while I was wearing a Santa hat and he didn't bat an eyelid.  He went away with the task of preparing a quote and we stayed at home convinced it made sense.

I could try and explain the feed-in-tariff, the energy bill savings and the export tariff to you but you should really talk to Seb.  I will tell you that in April the feed-in-tariff is likely to reduce and acting sooner rather than later is a good idea.  There will be a decision this Friday that could restore feed-in-tariffs back to their pre-December values for the short period between now and December so if you are interested you should move now.

My lethargy seems to have paid off.  Solar PV is much cheaper to install now than it was a few years ago and if we're lucky we'll get the high feed in tariff too.

Seb came back today with a quote and a pen and I signed on the dotted line.  We're getting 10 x 327W Sunpower PV solar panels fitted to our garage roof.  Apparently these have an estimated peak rating of 3.27kwh/peak.

I actually quite excited.  I'll let you know how it goes.

Company contact details if you're interested too:

www.cb-renewables.co.uk

@cbrenewables

Facebook.com/cbrenewables

 

Santa has a plan

Hannah is a very considerate and thoughtful child.  She's always been quite impressed by Father Christmas' abilities and she's spent some considerable time contemplating how it is he does what he does so well.

I know every family has a slightly different Santa experience.  This experience is often a combination of inherited traditions which are combined or which morph into something new.

In our house Father Christmas is treated to a mince pie and a tipple.  The tipple varies but I'm pretty sure he's had beer, sherry, port and wine at different times.  Rudolph always gets carrot which this year was chopped up at  upon request (apparently the other reindeer were losing out to greedy Rudolph.)

Stockings hang from the mantlepiece and are filled sometime between bedtime and wake time.

Santa also provides one present per child, generally one that has been requested via letter. This request has to be reasonable because Santa doesn't look upon greediness favourably.  This one present is generally left near the hearth.

Other presents from friends and family are collected under the tree (if our house) or another corner of the sitting room (if we're at Grandma and Grandpa's house).

Hannah has been considering the stocking bit and she has a theory.

She thinks that Santa buys maybe 100 different stocking presents and these will not all be suitable for all children.  Some will be better for older girls and some will be better for younger boys but there will be some that are universally appropriate.

What then happens is some sorting so that each child has a number of age appropriate stocking presents allocated for delivery.

The rest is history, or something.

 

The case of the missing apps

I had an iPad crisis.  Something, or someone, was eating apps.

BBC News disappeared, then BBC iPlayer, and Plants versus Zombies.  Then it got worse.  Instagram went, and the Camera disappeared.  YouTube evaporated and all apps that I still had that needed the camera refused to work.

In all I had about 30 apps that were there, but weren't.  They showed as installed which meant I couldn't blame Ethan for their accidental deletion.  This also meant I couldn't reinstall because the MacBook and the iPad both thought they were on the iPad.

I tried a restore from backup and I was left app-less.  I tried turning it off and turning it on again (the IT Helpdesk Special) and I tried a hard reboot (an action of last resort.)  Nothing.

I asked my trusty Social Media sites for help.  There was a glimmer of hope when Hugo sent me a link to something that was a bit like jail-breaking but not quite jail-breaking.  This sounded like a rather drastic course of action so I resolved to make a Genius bar appointment.

Navigating the Apple site I found an option to schedule a call.  This meant someone would call and advise me at a pre-arranged time.  That sounded easier than negotiating Christmas shopping crowds at Lakeside so I booked a call.

Lo and behold, the next day, at 1:00pm, I had a call from a lovely lady who helped me through a simple reset procedure.

I asked if she'd seen the disappearing app problem before and she hadn't.  She did reassure me though it was probably a software glitch and nothing I'd done.

Within about five minutes, I had all of my apps back.  They'd been there all the time but had somehow been hidden.  A reset set them free.

The service was brilliant and cost nothing.  My iPad is back to normal, all apps back where they belong.  I'm now even more super-impressed by Apple service.

Mary and I should go shopping

Mary Portas published a report today on the British High Street.

She has 28 recommendations.  Good for her, but good for the High Street?

Her report was reported as being produced in response to an environment in which apparently we don't want to shop on our High Streets.  Apparently we all want to buy everything online or in out of town retail parks or shopping centres.  Really?

I like seeing things before I buy them.  I would much rather buy in a shop rather than buy online.  So why do i buy online?  Well I can do it from the comfort of my home whilst drinking a cup of tea and the goods get delivered to my front door.  That must be the reason.

Well that might explain part of it.  Price might play a part, but I rarely compare online with High Street prices.

So what's the real reason?

Frankly it's because I'd need to travel to an out of town retail park or shopping centre to be able to buy the things I buy online.  My High Street doesn't offer me the variety I need.  I loathe shopping centres and retail parks.  I don't like driving to shops because I hate traffic and the M25.  I never know if I'll get stuck in traffic and that's not good if I know I need to get home in time for the school run.

I even buy groceries online because I have to use the car for a weekly shop and that means driving a distance or fighting for space with the other residents of Brentwood in the local Sainsbury car park.  The exception is the local farm shop which usually gets two visits from me a week.

There are horrible things about buying online.  Buying the wrong thing has happened to me and to friends.  It's easy to make a mistake.  In the space of a week I had the same jazz saxophone music book turn up to the house twice.  I bought from an independent music store online but forgot I'd also left a copy in an Amazon basket.

I loathe, with almost every fibre of my being, the courier companies that try to deliver, try again and then require me to visit their grubby industrial estate to collect my goods.  Had I been in when they tried to deliver they would have handed over the goods requiring just a signature, but because I'm collecting from them I need to take a passport, driving licence and utility bill and then sign for the goods.  This causes problems when one orders goods in one name, like Ann Cardus, but all of one's ID is in the name of Carolyn Cardus or Carolyn A Cardus.  The arguments I've had could fill a book.

I would do all of my non grocery shopping on the High Street if only the choice of goods was on my High Street.  I like the coffee shops; I like being able to nip to the Post Office, bank or library whilst doing some shopping. But there's no point, unless the right shops are there.

Brentwood is trying and the collection of businesses in Crown Street is really trying to improve the sense of vibrancy that a High Street needs.

Mary's right.  Car parking should be free.  Out of town store development should be stopped.  A High Street needs to be an interesting destination where consumers feel happy spending time and, more importantly, money.

 

I think I've started something

Yesterday was a bit of a different day for me at work.  I'd invited Anthony Nolan to work to try and recruit people for the Anthony Nolan register.

I'd seen a blog by Alice Pyne earlier in the year (http://alicepyne.blogspot.com/) in which she described her bucket list.  The thing that has always been at the top of Alice's list is "To have everyone eligible join a bone marrow register."

Alice's courage in the face of her cancer at the age of 15 was inspiring, and moving.  Her first thought is trying to get people onto a bone marrow register benfitting others with cancer.

I looked at how many people worked with me in the same building.  There must have been a few thousand.  It must be possible to get some of them to sign up to a bone marrow register.

I got in touch with Anthony Nolan and we set a date.

Yesterday I discovered how difficult it is to find new people for the bone marrow register.

In advance I had done some pre-event activity by walking some corridors and telling people about the event.  There was an e-mail that arrived in everyone's inbox I figured that some people might need additional motivation so I baked brownies for the first 50 sign ups.  Anthony Nolan said that 50 was their target for the day.  I thought that was easy.

The charity support team arrived in two parts, one in time for a ten o'clock start and the other an hour later.  There was a limiting factor of time as the Anthony Nolan crew could only be with us for just four and a half hours.  But I still thought we could hit the target of 50.

Then the day started.  I went corridor wandering again to drum up support, looking for 18-40 year olds who didn't have one of the many health issues that would exclude them.  It was then that I realised we have a dearth of "young" people at work.

I spent the whole of the four and a half ours on four inch heels, walking and standing, and talking to people about Anthony Nolan and why they should sign up.

There are the willing volunteers, the willing but scared, the scared and unwilling, the plain uninterested and the weird group that fake interest, say they'll come back and never do, or they fake a medical condition that excludes them.  For the record, fainting a bit a while ago is not epilepsy.

By the end of the session I was in severe pain having bruised my soles by spending too much time vertical in silly heels.  I had also shifted a fair few brownies.  And the really good news is that we hit our target of 50 sign ups.

It would have felt like failure if we hadn't hit 50, but because we did hit 50 I can call it a big fat success.  The next challenge is to try to achieve the same, or even better results, at Dunton and Dagenham.  And I wonder whether any of our agency partners (where there are loads of young people) might also be interested.

 

Recipe selection - cakes

Here are a selection of recipes for the cakes that were available for my recent British Vintage Homeware party.  This is going to help me because I'm forever searching for recipes.

 

Apple, cinnamon and walnut cake

Killer Brownies

Banana and Chocolate Muffins

Orange, carrot and raisin spiced muffins - Hannah made carrot and raisin spice but I prefer the orange and carrot ones.

 

Apple spice muffins - I usually add raisins but forgot this time

 

Gluten free, polenta, lemon and pistachio cake

Lemon and lime cupcakes

 

 

Lemon and lime cupcakes

This is an adaptation of a Hummingbird Bakery recipe.  The original recipe is for lemon cupcakes but I was lacking a lemon or two but happened to have a lime or two so I substituted.

Makes 12 American-sized cupcakes or 18 UK-sized cupcakes.  An American cupcake is baked in a muffin case and a muffin tin.  A UK cupcake is baked in a slightly shallower tin with a cupcake case.

Ingredients

• 120g plain flour
• 150g caster sugar (I use granulated)
• 1 1/2 tsp baking powder
• 2 tbsp of a mix of grated lemon and lime zest
• 40g unsalted butter (at room temperature)
• 120ml milk (recipe says whole milk but I used skimmed)

Frosting

• 250g icing sugar
• 80g unsalted butter (at room temperature)
• 2 tbsp of a mix of grated lemon and lime zest
• 25ml milk (recipe says whole milk but I used skimmed)

Method

Preheat the oven to 170˚C or 150˚C if you have a fan oven.  If you're as slow as I am and your oven gets up to temperature quickly then you can leave this step until later.

Put flour, sugar, baking powder, lemon zest and butter in a mixer (I use Kenwood Chef) with paddle attachement (whatever one of those is - I use Kenwood K-beater attachment).  If all of this mixer malarky sounds a bit confusing you can use electric whisk.  Beat on a slow speed until the mixture resembles sand.

Gradually add the milk and beat until just incorporated.

Add the egg until just incorporated and then continue mixing until the mixture is smooth.  The recipe says not to over mix but I never know how that instruction helps.  I guess you should stop as soon as you think the mixture is smooth.

Fill paper cases until they are 2/3 full.  This isn't like a muffin mix.  If these cook properly then they will have a flat top that's at the level of the paper case when they come out of the oven.

Bung in the oven for 20-25 minutes.  Sponge will bounce back when pressed gently when they are done.

To make the frosting, beat together the icing sugar, butter and zest using a mixer or electric whisk on a medium setting.  Once the mixture has come together turn the mixture down to a slow speed and gradually add the milk..  When the milk is mixed in, turn the mixer up to a high speed and mix for at leads 5 minutes.  The longer the mixing, the lighter and fluffier the frosting.

Once cupcakes have cooled down you can spoon the frosting on.  It might be possible to pipe this frosting but piping has never been something that has floated my boat so I haven't tried.

I have successfully frozen these with the frosting, but if you do this then allow to defrost naturally.  A blitz in the microwave would melt the frosting.

 

 

Jigsaw puzzle for Ethan

Apple and cinnamon cake/pudding

I've made this a few times and have had more than one person asking for the recipe.  This is even after I completely screwed up the recipe and served something that I thought was terrible.  I think this means it must be quite a forgiving recipe.

Ingredients

• 300g sugar (I use golden granulated but I'm sure caster is fine too)
• 280g plain flour
• 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
• 2 teaspoons bicarbonate of soda
• 2 eggs
• 120ml cup sunflower oil
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 120g chopped walnuts
• 800g chopped apples

Method

• Preheat oven to 160°C fan oven or 180°C otherwise.  If you have a gas oven or an AGA then you're on your own.
• You need a tin that's roughly 25cm x 25cm.If you've bought a tin for my killer brownie recipe then you can use it again for this recipe.  Ideal size is 25cm x 25 cm or thereabouts.  Grease and line the bottom of the tin.  Ideally you should use a tin with removable base as this cake is quite crumbly and extracting from a tin that doesn't have a removable base could get messy.
• This recipe requires a lot of apple.  I love Bramleys but I'm sure eating apples would be fine also.  When I'm chopping apple I fill a bowl with water and lemon juice.  I peel and chop the apple (in this case about the size of your small fingernail ish) and pop it in the water with lemon juice.  This stops it from going brown when exposed to the air.  I'm not a quick peeler/chopper but even if you are quick you might want to do this too because of the amount of apple you're chopping.I also prepare my apple before starting with any of the rest of the recipe so that most of the work after the peeling is just measuring and stirring.   I also prepare my nuts ooo errr.  I use a hachoir which is a posh herb choppy thing with a couple of blades but a knife is fine.  To be honest if they'd been in the cupboard, I'd have use pre-chopped nuts.   I hate chopping nuts.
• Before you read on you should read this next bit carefully.  DO NOT use a mixer for this recipe.  Use a spoon and stir it.  I have used a mixer and I killed this.  USE A SPOON.
• In a large bowl, stir together the sugar, flour, cinnamon, and bicarbonate of soda. Add the eggs, oil and vanilla, mix well (USING A SPOON).  Add the nuts and apple, mix until all the apples are evenly coated (USING A SPOON). Scrape into your prepared baking tin and level out with the back of a SPOON.
• Bake for 30 minutes and then cover with foil.  I know this is a faff but you will burn your cake if you don't do this.  I have discovered that a massive BBQ skewer placed on top of foil resting on my baking tin will stop the fan on my oven blowing the foil off.  I've also discovered that picking this skewer up without wearing oven gloves after it's been in the oven is a stupid idea.  Doh.
• Total cooking time is about an hour in my oven.  You may want to do a skewer test at 50 mins and do the skewer test again at an hour.  If you need to leave it in for an extra 10-15 mints then don't worry.  This will be a very moist cake because of the apple content and you are protecting it from burning with the foil.
• I have killed this by over-mixing and over-cooking and still been asked for the recipe.
• Serve warm or cool.  Oh and it freezes well which means it works well for those school cake sales or office cake-baking occasions.

Credit and kudos to Lisa whose original recipe I have translated from American and which is available here.

I didn't believe you anyway

We usually have some Greek yoghurt in the fridge, in 500g pots, which the children will eat with honey as a sweet healthy-ish treat.  I don't know quite how or why but it has become usual to eat this treat from a teacup.  Also, in a bid to develop independence (and because I'm lazy), we encourage the children to serve themselves.

This evening Ethan asked for honey and I encouraged him to sort it out himself.

I turned around and he'd grabbed a large pot of double cream out of the fridge and was about to help himself.  I said "Er, no Ethan.  That's double cream.  If you ate that you'd die."

"Really?" he asked.

"No. I was kidding"

"I didn't believe you anyway."

I love the fact that children don't like to feel duped at all, just like grown-ups really.

 

Economics 1.01

Hannah and Ethan have both been given an "Enterprise" task at school.

They've been given an investment of one pound and they have a school year in which to make that one pound grow.  The profit thus made will benefit a charity of the children's choice.

On Tuesday Ethan has his first Enterprise event in which he can sell things to others in other year groups.

Ethan has decided to follow in my footsteps and bake muffins to sell.  The rules say that the ingredients must be paid for from the initial investment.  So I set about working how cheaply he could make the muffins if necessary.

We opted to make a batch of 36 mini muffins because we knew the children would only be spending very small amounts on items.  I looked up the prices for all ingredients if the cheapest ingredients possible were bought for standard chocolate chip muffins.

So adding the cost of value flour to value eggs, to value this and value that the cost worked out at five pence per mini muffin.  This prompted me to look at how much it costs me to make the normal sized muffins that I bake for school cake sales.

So I added the cost of organic flour to free range eggs to etc.  And I got a bit of a shock.

The school sells my cakes, and all cakes, for 20 pence.  It costs me that to make them.  I might as well just put my hand in my pocket and put the money straight into the PTA coffers.  When I think about the hours I've spent baking for school cake sales it makes me want to spit.

Strictly cheaper

Every year I watch Strictly Come Dancing.  There are things I like and things I think would benefit from improvement.

I like the mix of celebrities and I think the professional dancers are all fab-u-lous (to quote Craig Revel Horwood).  The band is amazing and the make-up and costume departments do an amazing job.  Craig, Len and Bruno are wonderful and the lovely Claudia Winkleman who used to host the weekday show It Takes Two was very funny and used to get the tone of the show just right.

However.

Bruce and Tess really annoy me.  Neither have the talent needed for the job and they get by on looks (Tess) and sympathy (Brucie).  Bruce's constant jibes at Craig constitute bullying and are in poor taste.  And judge Alesha doesn't have the same authority as a professional dancer.  She over-marks and is responsible for the most vacuous of comments at times.

The elimination of the dance off was, in my opinion, a mistake.  We are now in a situation in which really bad dancers, like Ann Widdecombe and John Sargent, stay in because the general public like laughing at people, and not in a good way.  It also means that the Sunday night show is a farce.  It's filmed on Saturday night with everyone pretending it's happening on Sunday.  The judges change their outfits, the presenters change and people like me have found the spoiler on the Saturday night anyway.

When the series started there was almost constant filming of the dance training.  This was often funny, interesting and informative.  Well I think the budget has been cut and there are fewer camera crews available to follow the different celebrities around.  The show now resorts to a scripted unfunny video that is shoehorned into the training schedule.  It usually involves taking someone away from the training room to help them "get into character" or improve their fitness levels or speed.  It's always contrived and more than a bit pathetic.

But I'll still watch.  It's better than X Factor.

 

Smashing pumpkins

Today we had two Halloween carved pumpkins stolen from the front of the house.  This is the second year in a row this has happened to us.

I got close to seeing the culprits and ran and shouted after them.  They dropped the heavier pumpkin just a bit further up the street.

Dave didn't want me to go after the group that were running off because there was one of me and about eight of them.

Hannah was upset.  She'd taken a lot of time working with me to carve the pumpkins and had been planning to take both of them to the Brownie pumpkin carving competition (which she'd won the prior year) on November 1st.

I was annoyed and fairly full of adrenalin after chasing the thieves and shouting at full volume, including, to try and bring on some guilt, "Do you realise you've made my daughter cry?" *

I called the police.  I didn't dial 999 and it took me a while to find the non-emergency number.  While explaining what had happened I did say "This sounds silly", "I realise it isn't the crime of the century" and "You're not going to ask me to describe the carving on the missing pumpkin are you?" but the woman I was talking to was taking it very seriously.

I guess what I wanted was for any patrols to keep an eye out and if they saw a group of about the right size in the area, to stop and talk to them.  I wanted them to get a ticking off.  I knew it was a long shot, but thought it was worth it.  Previously the Police have actively encouraged calls about what they termed "anti-social behaviour."

What happened next though surprised me.

I was then asked when I might be available for an officer to pop round for a chat and an appointment was arranged.

I can't help thinking this echoes a situation in which a group of teenagers were responsible for a broken window at the front of the house.  When I reported that an officer came round and I was contacted by phone and mail by Victim Support.

I didn't feel like a victim then and I don't feel like a victim now.  I am annoyed, but that's about it.  Involving the Police will teach my children a lesson about acceptable behaviour (which I would hope they would already know) but a home visit won't prevent this happening again, unless of course I'm persuaded to join the rest of the country with lights off hiding in the dark on Halloween.

Anyway I'm off to remove the spiders, bats, skeletons and rats from the front door.  Ding dong the witch is dead.

 

*Actually they didn't make Hannah cry.  As I keep telling the children, they are in control of their emotional reactions.  Hannah chose to be upset.  She could have chosen to be non-plussed.

Lucky

I ordered an iPhone 4S on the first day I could. I'd been clinging onto my deteriorating 3Gs for too long and reading all of the technology press rumours about the launch of the iPhone 5.
I also checked to see how much cash I could salvage from my old iPhone and Envirophone came up trumps offering £120.
When I started to look at the timing of the new phone and the deadline to return my old phone to Envirophone, there seemed to be a discrepancy.
The Envirophone date for return was October 21st and yet Apple's site was suggesting that would be the earliest my shiny new phone would be dispatched.
I checked Envirophone's site for a new quote and was dismayed to see that their offer had fallen to £60.
I contemplated £60 and whether that was worth being without a phone for up to a week. I concluded I wasn't the sort of person who could survive without her phone.
I gave up checking the Apple website and I decided I'd just have to take the financial hit on returning the old phone.
Today I need to work later than normal and I didn't get in until ten to three. There was a UPS card on the doormat.
I checked the Apple website and my phone had been dispatched.
I fought my way through the UPS voice menu to speak to someone to ask if the driver could possibly redeliver. They checked and called back to say the driver would try. I said "There's a banana and chocolate muffin in it for the driver if he makes it".
I waited. I checked with Envirophone that posting today would mean it would arrive tomorrow. I phoned the Post Office to check opening times and was dismayed to discover the Postman collected the post at five.
I also had to get the children to their swimming club by five o'clock.
At four twenty the UPS man and I exchanged a phone for a banana and choc chip muffin.
I'd already backed up, sync'd and prepared for the transition.
I extracted my SIM card, used Victoria's SIM card cutter (nervously) and plugged the phone into the MacBook.
I waited. I decided things were looking like they were working so I erased all content and data from the old phone and we dashed off to the Post Office entering just after the man from Royal Mail.
We ran to the counter and handed over the old phone in its padded bag and Special Delivery envelope.
We went home to find the sync'ing was still progressing. It finished. I unplugged. I made a phone call. It worked. With minutes to spare.
There are times when everything falls into place and I just feel lucky. This was one of those times.

Hindsight isn't always a wonderful thing

I mentioned this a while ago on Twitter and Facebook, and maybe Google+.

The weather was balmy as we had a late blast of summer warmth in September.  I'd just come home from a long day in London and needed to change quickly to be able to collect Ethan from Beavers.

I probably didn't need to change but I'd just been on a hot and sweaty tube and train so it seemed appropriate.  I chucked on an easy quick cover up; a summer dress that covers a multitude of sins.  It's long and fairly shapeless and probably isn't at all flattering.

Dress on I hopped in the car to drive to the church.    On Wednesdays Ethan goes straight from Beavers held in a church hall, to choir practice in a completely different church.

I arrived early and while I was waiting I chatted with some of the other parents who were waiting for their children.  When Ethan emerged I whizzed him off to a different church for choir practice and then I drove home for the hour before Ethan would need collecting again.

I was early to pick Ethan up and waited for a few minutes talking to the priest and other parents until Ethan had finished tidying up and was ready for home and bed.

It was when I got home that Dave said "What's that on the back of your dress?"  We both investigated and the thing that was on the back of my dress was actually something that wasn't there.  The dress was sporting a large hole.  The hole was situated a hip height at the back of the dress.  There wasn't much under the dress.  There was something, but not much.  I think we all know what I'm saying.

I'd been to two churches, one of them twice, wearing a dress with a large hole that exposed my backside.  A tad embarrassing, with hindsight.

Smelly marketing

I wandered into town this morning to run some errands and buy some things I didn't absolutely need but wanted.

One of the things on my list was a large silicone baking dish for toad in the hole.  My toad in the hole always sticks to the dish it's baked in.  I mentioned this to someone yesterday and she recommended getting a silicone baking dish, because she has one and she only uses it for toad in the hole.  Well she must have been talking to everyone in Brentwood because the whole of the town was out of silicone, apart from the silicone that is used in breast implants.  Since the TOWIE lot have been filiming in the town we're over-flowing with silicone.

Anyway, one of the shops I wandered into was Steamer Trading Company.  It's a beautiful shop full of pretty things and I could spend a fortune if I didn't have reasonable self control.  As I entered the shop the aroma of freshly baking cakes hit me.  I looked around for an oven and couldn't see one and wondered if they piped the small into the shop.  I went upstairs and looked in every nook and cranny (without looking like a freak) and couldn't find the oven.  As I came downstairs a member of staff was going upstairs with used mixing bowls and utensils coated in cake mix.  I figured the oven must just be well hidden and decided I'd return later in case there was some lovely cake to be had.

I reflected that doing baking in a shop that sells cookery and dining items is a brilliant idea.  Everyone loves the smell of cake cooking in the oven and it must entice people into the shop and put them in the mood for buying baking related items.

I returned later, after a trip to the bank, and as I went into the shop I was overwhelmed by the smell of burnt cake.  It was an acrid smell that was deinitely not enticing.  I had another quick look for the oven but found, instead, the charred remains of cake on a chopping board.  Black crumbs were all that remained.

It was then I thought that the idea of baking in a cookware shop only works if the people doing the cooking know what they're doing.

 

Moist scrummy chocolate muffins

I haven't given these muffins their correct title because it might put you off baking them.  The title should read cocoa courgette muffins.  Please don't let the courgette put you off.

Chocolate muffins can often be dry, sorry affairs that look so much better than they taste.  These muffins look as good as they taste and taste as good as they look.  There is no hint of courgette flavour but the courgette does bring a delicious moisture to the mix in the same way carrot can to a carrot cake.

OK, that's the sales pitch over, here's the recipe.

Makes at least 12 standard size muffins.

You will need a muffin tin or two, muffin cases, two large bowls and an oven pre-heated to 190˚C or 160˚C if you have a fan oven.

Ingredients

• 280g plain flour
• 2 tsp baking powder
• 1/2 tsp bicarbonate of soda
• pinch of salt
• 2 tsp cinnamon (weird I know but have faith)
• 3 tbsp cocoa powder
• 1 egg
• 140g soft brown sugar (I didn't have this so used 100g natural granulated and 40g light muscovado)
• 60ml milk
• 2 tsp vanilla essence (not quite so weird but still a little strange)
• 340g grated courgette (I used course grater although recipe said finely grated and I didn't peel the courgette although you can if you want to)
• 90ml corn oil
• 85g optional chocolate chips (the recipe said raisins which I thought sounded disgusting but you could always try it as an alternative)

Method

• Put muffin cases in muffin tins and if you haven't turned the oven on, do so now.
• In a large bowl stir flour, baking powder, bicarb of soda, salt, cinnamon, cocoa powder and choc chips (or raisins) if using.  If you're keen then you can sieve this.  I'm not convinced sieving makes any difference and I only ever stir with a fork.
• In another bowl beat egg with a fork.  Add sugar, milk, vanilla, courgette and oil and stir well.
• Pour the wet ingredients into the dry and stir.  Do not be tempted to use an electric mixer at all because you will ruin your muffins.  Have faith, use a spoon and stir.   If it's anything like the batch I made today you will think that there's not enough of the wet ingredients to mix in all of the dry ingredients.  Persevere because it is possible.  It will be a fairly stiff mixture because the courgette releases moisture when it's baking.  Just make sure that no dry flour is visible when you've finished stirring.
• Spoon this mixture into the muffin cases and bake for 20 minutes ish.  I usually turn them in the oven at 17 minutes to make sure they bake evenly.
• They are cooked when tops spring back when pressed

It is customary for the cook to make a cup of tea towards the end of the baking time which is to be enjoyed with one of the muffin batch.  It's very important to check the quality of one's own baking.

Wasting time and ruining lives

I have spent most of this evening crying.  With laughter.

I recommend you visit damnyouautocorrect.com and kill a few minutes the next time you have a few minutes to kill.

Here is a tame taster:

Most of the autocorrect screen grabs are much more offensive, so you have been warned.

Around and about

Sometimes someone does such a rubbish job that they really need to have it pointed out.

I mean if somebody did something that endangered life and limb, they should be told, am I right?

OK does anyone know the muppet who works at Essex County Council and has responsibility for roundabout design?

You see this roundabout here:

I know which side of this roundabout I should use if I'm travelling straight on.  The problem is that too many people in Brentwood seem to be confused by this roundabout and travel on the right of the roundabout when approaching it as shown in the photo.

I have been travelling in the opposite direction and I've come across cars heading straight for me.  I could interpret this as a vendetta against me were it not for the fact that the twonk at Essex County Council has so clearly screwed up with the planning of this roundabout.

The real holiday car

As promised, just a little later than promised.  Disclaimers here.

We had an S-MAX 2.2 Duratorq TDCi 6 speed Manual Titanium.  For those not initiated in the ways of the Ford product an S-MAX is a seven-seater that can also be a five-seater or a two-seater depending how many seats are up or down.

I could tell you what I think of the car's looks but you should really judge for yourself.

Of course that's a brochure shot.  I'm not sure the heights and angles of this next shot are quite as complimentary, but at least the wheels match the brochure shot.

It does however show that, despite a thick layer of French road filth, the car doesn't look desperately dirty.  I think that's down to the choice of the Mica Stone paint.  Our next car will be black and will show every last speck of dirt.

We travelled in five-seater mode with the last two seats folded flat and it was very capacious.  It fitted all of our holiday gear, including all of the unnecessary stuff that we took and never used or touched and we still had room to see out of the back window, although the height of the luggage was too high to allow us to use the tonneau cover.

The storage inside the car was reasonable and we found enough space in the glove box to hide the TomTom satnav and also the 35 DVDs we took.  Door bins, seat pockets, centre console and space under seats allowed for more storage and, because we only have two children, there was a spare seat providing a spot for in-car snacks and drinks.  This spare seat also served as a useful no man's land in between those same two children.  I remember that seat housing the largest coolbox ever when I was a child which served as a barrier separating me from my brother on long car journeys.

We have also taken this car camping which has meant it has been stuffed to the gunnels with "stuff" and it is just amazing how much "stuff" you can fit in the car.  The issue is that the car does not come with my husband fitted as standard and if there is one person who can pack a car to within an inch of its exhaust pipe, it's my husband.

The panoramic roof would, I've no doubt, have been delightful but we had to steal the fuse for that to feed the 12V cigar lighter at the front of the car which failed on our day of departure.  A fuse costs nothing (well the dealer I got the fuse from didn't charge me) and it's easy to change, but it's annoying in a car that's less than a year old to have anything fail.  I did wonder whether Ford ever discovers there might be a problem if everyone just fixes it themselves although that does mean diagnosing the problem too without help.

The seats are very comfortable.  For our return journey we spent about 12 hours in the car and it was more comfortable than an office chair or the sofa at home.  I thought I'd miss the lack of lumbar support on the driver's seat but the seat was supportive enough without it.

The entertainment in the car was provided by Dave's iPhone iTunes library streaming via Bluetooth through the car speakers.  We adjusted the sound so that we used front speakers thus minimising any audio interference with the DVDs being played on the Nextbase DVD players attached to the rear headrests and playing sound through infra red magic through to wireless headphones.  (Think that sentence should probably have had a comma or two.)  It was a set up that worked perfectly (12V power permitting) and if you don't have Bluetooth in your car, you need it.

The engine performed very well and provided all the power we needed even when fully loaded.  We could overtake on hills and pull away from lights without any problems.  We used the cruise control and in sixth gear the car was able to maintain the speed smoothly and without struggling at all.

Fuel economy though was underwhelming.  The car told us we were achieving 35.9mpg which is less than I expected.  I should say we were travelling at French autoroute speeds combined with twisty turny hilly roads with air-conditioning on about 70% of the time, which isn't great for brilliant fuel economy but I expect better.  I know that a new car needs time to reduce the friction in the engine and improve its efficiency but this car had a thousand or two miles under its (fan) belt.

The technology that we used a lot was cruise control.  On long autoroutes with the Gendarmerie being ever watchful we used cruise control to keep ourselves legal.  I noticed that the car had a speed limiter too.  We tried that function too but, because the system can be overridden if you kick down for extra power, I struggled to understand how it was useful.

We also used the satnav, but in conjunction with the TomTom.  I don't like the Ford satnav.  Firstly It didn't show the road that led to our accommodation, but the user interface isn't intuitive for me at all; I would go as far as to say frustrating.  Most of the time it will get you to your destination and it will probably get you there using an efficient route and I'm sure it's possible to get used to the interface, I just prefer my TomTom.

As to the other tech in the car, we appreciated the Quickclear screen and the parking sensors.  The car had a rear view camera but I didn't like it.  I think it might be a spatial awareness thing and men might appreciate this feature more.  I preferred to see nothing and rely on the parking distance sensors; the camera view just confused me.

In summary: We like the car so much we're getting another one, but in black.

 

 

Annoyed

I will blog about the holiday car I promise, just not tonight.

This evening I had the chance to attend a local Tweetup but knew I couldn't.  Dave was away for a business trip so I couldn't leave the house.

Dave being away meant leaving London in time to collect the children from the after school club, sorting out an evening meal and then rushing Ethan off to choir.

While the children were eating it occurred to me that after dropping Ethie at choir Hannah and I would be kicking our heels for about an hour until Ethie needed to be collected again.  And then the penny dropped.  Hannah and I could go to the Tweetup together.

I hesitated.  It wasn't the type of event you'd normally take a child to but Hannah is nine years old, very sensible she knows what Twitter is.  Plus it wasn't as if I'd been to previous events and seen drunken, loutish behaviour.  People were drinking in moderation and were being terribly polite.

Ah, the venue, a pub.  Well actually it was a room set apart from the main bar, but still a pub.

I tweeted the event organiser and asked whether it would be OK to bring a nine year old.  He wasn't sure the pub allowed children.  So I phoned the pub and they were absolutely fine.

But would Hannah be comfortable in a room full of Brentwood Twitterati?  I asked her and she said she'd be fine.  I explained in detail what previous Tweetups had been like and I checked she was still OK about turning up.  She said she'd be fine.

So we went, Hannah felt very grown up, some people were lovely and spoke to both of us, and Hannah was a star performer for the magician who was doing some close up magic.

But amongst all of this I heard "She's brought her child."

Words account for 7% of communication, tone of voice 37% and body language 57%.  I couldn't see the body language but the tone of voice wasn't pleasant.

Imagine the Witches in the Roald Dahl book and imagine the sneer in the voice as they might say the word "child."  It's a sort of spitting sneer and that's what I heard.  And the tone of voice grated.  Fortunately it was almost time to leave and collect Ethan and get both children home for bedtime.

I know some people don't like children but this annoyed me.  That attitude annoyed me but there was something else that annoyed me more.  Hannah was between me and the voice and I just hope she didn't hear it.

I hope I misheard.  I hope I got it wrong.  Either way, sadly, that was the last Tweetup Hannah attends on my watch.

The holiday car

I did suggest I might blog about the holiday car.

Firstly you need to know I work for Ford so, whilst I believe this to be an honest appraisal, I have had years of brain-washing.  I mean seriously.  Next month sees my 20 year anniversary with the Company.  (If you want to send congratulatory cards the date is October 14th.)

Secondly, you should I know I was a passenger for most of the holiday, predominantly playing the part of SatMum or, as I think I should be called with the benefit of hindsight, MumNav.  I did some driving, mixing up a bit of smooth and slick autoroute with twisty, turny, lumpy, bumpy roads.

Thirdly you should know I used to be part of a Drive Team.  This is a bunch of (usually) educated engineering types with perhaps a random marketeer (I was the random marketeer) who appraise vehicles during the product development phase.  The tests are contrived but are intended to reflect the customer experience.  The Drive Team evaluate all manner of vehicle attributes (defined by the Vehicle Integration Team) such as "left foot comfort."  This was always a strange attribute to my thinking as my left foot was always comfortable, but then I was enlightened by colleagues who pointed me in the direction of the left foot rest which is a feature that I had never used and still consider to be completely redundant.

One of the benefits of being "on" the Drive Team was a training session with Jackie Stewart.  The only thing I really recall from the session was his advice on testing the build quality of the vehicle.  Apparently, using the bottom of one's fist one should bash a vehicle body panel 15 times, because (and I quote) "Ten is not enough and 20 is too many."  The wisdom of the three time World Champion was legendary.  He didn't mention those World Championships at all by the way.  Not ten times, not 20 times...

The other benefit was driving around proving grounds.  I am pleased to say that Michigan Proving Ground has a corner named after me.  I got a little over-enthusiastic taking a corner in a VW Transporter.  I know, the glamour - a bloody van.  But anyway I gave the Armco a friendly nudge and now, and forever more, that corner is Cardus corner.

Actually, I'll leave it there.  I've given you an insight into my skills, abilities, age and admiration for the legend that is three time World Champion Jackie Stewart.  I'll leave talking about the car to another day. :)