My terms of engagement

Dear Essex and Suffolk Water

Thank you very much for promising to come out on Friday between 7:00am and 1:00pm to check the water flow and pressure for our property which British Gas advises is insufficient to operate our boiler.

I have accepted that should no fault be found you will charge us £48.  You have promised to provide a full report explaining exactly what flow and pressure you are delivering.

I estimate that it will take no more than 10 minutes for you to asses the service that you provide to us which, at £48 per visit, is quite a lucrative business.

Clearly I am investing more time in this process than you.  I shall be at home between 7:00am and 1:00pm, investing exactly 36 times more time.  If fault is found, I think it is entirely reasonable that I charge you and whilst we’re being fair and reasonable, and even though my perception is that my time is more valuable than yours, I will agree to use the same hourly rate.  So that’s 36 x £48, which will net me £1728.

Payment can only be accepted in cash.  Cheques and credit and debit cards will not be accepted.  Also, this cash must be paid immediately upon delivery of the information that you have not been delivering the service to which I am entitled.

Additionally, should your evaluation of the inbound water flow prove to be unsatisfactory, there will be some additional charges due:

• There will be the “naked running around the house to restart the boiler to avoid a cold shower” charge which amounts to £500.
• Additionally there’s the “running downstairs from the bathroom to ensure hot water by restarting the boiler” charge which is £750.
• Lastly there’s the “dripping water across the kitchen floor mid washing up so that the washing up does clean things properly” charge at a reduced £350.

None of these charges guarantee that we will not pursue you for additional compensation at a later date.

We will offer a refreshments service during your visit.  Freshly brewed tea and freshly ground coffee will be offered for a modest charge of £2.70 per beverage.

Finally I will be levying a Monopoly charge.  As the only supplier available to me you will be subject to the Monopoly charge of £1000 per annum.

Payment for all charges must be made in cash on the day of the visit prior to departure.

I look forward to your visit on Friday.

Love and kisses,

Ann