You know those people who have effortless beach bodies? Well I'm not one of them.
I'll struggle when removing my outer layer of clothing and my swimming costume will get dislodged during the process which will risk indecent exposure.
I will get sand everywhere.
I will get sun cream in my eyes which will be red and sore for the rest of the week.
I will be wearing a swimming costume that reveals white bits that are the shadows of a former outing in a different costume.
If I go into the water I will slip unceremoniously on rocks or seaweed and land on my arse.
I will do the dance of someone avoiding a wasp.
My hair will not acquire a sun-kissed, salty, tousled appearance but will look more like a clumped mess clinging to my scalp for dear life.
When leaving the beach I will struggle to carry the ridiculous accoutrements that I have decided are essential beach gear.
I'll pop a t-shirt and shorts over a damp body and swimwear producing a look that indicates incontinence and hyperlactation.
I'm just not a cool beach person. Never have been, never will be.