Ongoing ongoing saga

Chris (good looking lighting engineer I met through Freecycle) is currently where we left him in Ongoing saga; halfway along a soggy piece of wood supported by two ladders balanced on stairs.

The bit of metal was relatively easy to fit.  I can say this because a) I have the benefit of hindsight and b) at the time I was the one standing on the stairs not kneeling on a soggy piece of wood perched above a stairwell.

It was a simple task.  A light piece of metal requiring two screws, one into the joist and one into our accurately placed piece of scrap wood which had been knocked together in the garage earlier.

The slightly (what an understatement) more complex and challenging task was fitting the light, the whole reason we had employed the services of a lighting engineer.  That and vertigo.

The light was designed by an idiot.  Had it been designed by those clever people it would be simple to hook the light onto the piece of metal that had just been attached to the roof.  Oh no.  This light designer could never get a job in the IKEA design department.  His, or her (but probably his), design required that we now use a screw and a washer at two points, to attach the light to the piece of metal attached to the roof.  Not forgetting the wires that need to be connected.

How the hell is one supposed to be able to do that with only two hands?  Let me tell you:

1. Hold the two kilo lamp in one hand.
2. With the spare hand try and manoeuvre the wires into position and do up the three screws.
3. Huff and puff as this isn’t the five second task you’d hoped
4. Realise that two kilos is a lot to hold aloft with one arm
5. Something unhelpful happens – more later
6. Take a break after fixing the wires and allow the lamp to dangle precariously held only by the electrical wire.
7. Hold the fixing screw and washer between your lips 
8. Once again with shot muscles hold the two kilo light in one hand
9. Hold the screwdriver in the other hand
10. Manoeuvre the light into position
11. Grab screw with hand holding the screwdriver
12. Put screw into hole in light and fiddle to try and get it into the hold in the bit of metal attached to the ceiling
13. Drop the screw
14. Ask someone to retrieve the screw (me) and try again
15. Try and screw the screw in
16. Experience extreme arm shake from the arm that’s been supporting the two kilo weight
17. Refuse assistance from someone offering to join you on the soggy piece of wood
18. Experience even more muscle collapse as the screw refuses to be tightened
19. In a slightly tense voice ask if there’s a broom that could be used to help support the weight of the light
20. Second person (me) retrieves broom and uses it to take most of the weight of the light while screws are fixed in
21. Dirty marks from dirty hands are left all over the ceiling around the light fitting
22. Broom holder starts to experience muscle fatigue just before the light is finally attached with two screws

I know this is ungrateful but as I was stood on the stairs, holding a broom atop which was a two kilo light, with my muscles about to give way I was thinking “I’m paying for this and it hurts.  Where’s my slice of the money?”

The image I want to leave you with is me, holding a broom, supporting a light, for Chris (the good looking lighting engineer), while he struggles manfully to do his job. 

I thought this might be the final instalment but I’d forgotten about step 5 above.  I’ll tell you about step 5 next time.