Eejit

Last night I left my phone at the gym. They called ten minutes after they closed to tell me and advised me to collect once they'd reopened.

I did wonder about the good old fashioned customer service model to which I subscribe under which the caller would have asked where I lived and discovering it was a few minutes away they would have offered to pop it round on their way home. I know. What planet do I live on? But if I had been that employee that is what I would have done - honestly, it is.

As my ideal response was not forthcoming I waited until this morning and hauled my derriere out of the door at 6:30am to retrieve my mobile.

I walked up to main reception and it was deserted - all positions closed.

I huffed and puffed and walked to the gym reception where there were two men chatting. In my best haughty voice (I do a good line in haughty voices) I asked "Are there any staff around?"

It transpired that one of the men I addressed was a member of staff but not wearing the usual uniform.

I explained my situation and said he couldn't help. Apparently he'd need access to the safe and the only people with that power were main reception staff who didn't start work until 7:30am.

I stormed off with steam coming out of my ears and venom from my mouth.

I went home, showered, had breakfast, dressed and prepared to leave the house again. I should point out I was wearing some clothes when I'd left the house previously.

On my second visit I was not greeted by Madame Stroppy with whom I've had previous unsatisfactory encounters. I explained my situation and she retrieved a plastic box with a lid and started rummaging. I explained what sort of phone it was and she checked her book to make sure I wasn't trying my luck. I also explained I had been told it was in the safe and she ignored me and continued to rummage. I offered to look through the plastic container but was told that "nobody is allowed to look in there." "Get her. Stroppy Cow." I thought.

Eventually she decided she needed to look in the safe. And she couldn't do this herself, she needed Steve. Steve arrived fairly quickly after the failed radio call and more successful tannoy announcement.

My phone was returned after I left a signature. I'm sure this process could be improved.