It's been nice knowing you

I left work at the same time as Kevin today. The conversation went something like this:

Kevin: "How's it going?"
Me: " Oh, I'm trying to get myself fired."
Kevin: "How's that then?"

And then we discussed the different methods I could try. That's one of the great things about Kevin. It's possible to have a conversation with him that sounds perfectly normal when actually the subject matter isn't. So for reference here are the things we discussed.

1. Breaching the Company's Confidentiality Directive. This is work that is in progress. I have another blog which talks about the project I'm working on. Now this strategy probably won't work because I don't mention the company or anything that I think is confidential in this other blog but I have made efforts to ensure people know of it's existence.

2. Fiddling expenses. This is normally a sure fired (no pun intended) way to get the sack. Now there are problems with this approach. The first is that I don't have the time for this piffling admin task and the second is that my boss is probably astute enough to pick it up before it became a problem.

3. Viewing porn on the company PC. I've probably already done this, inadvertently. I remember typing www.streemap.co.uk as a typo when wanting www.streetmap.co.uk and the company firewall advised me I was trying to access an inappropriate site that might contain porn. I've hit that message a number of times at work. Of course when I use the laptop at home, without being hooked into the corporate network, the firewall doesn't protect me so I've probably seen things I shouldn't. However given that most porn is aimed at men I could probably argue my actions were unintended. I could distribute inappropriate material via e-mail but I'd rather be fired for incompetance which brings me to number 4.

4. Incompetance. Now this is a really difficult one. I've known loads of managers that couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery, who've made things worse rather than better, left a trail of devastation in their wake and none have been fired for it. In fact many seem to get promoted. This would be an unlikely route to succeed but one could certainly have fun trying.

5. Sexual harrassment. This is all very well in theory but this could backfire if my intended victim actually enjoyed the harrassment. So a bit risky.

After discussing these alternatives and determining that none were ideal, Kevin suggested crashing my car into a car park full of manager's cars and claiming I had done this on purpose.
On reflection however we thought that the opportunity for spare parts and replacement cars would be seen as a profit opportunity and therefore perhaps an ingenious attempt by me to aid the company profits.

I don't want to give you the idea that I'm desperate for an escape route, but any other ideas and suggestions are welcome.