Wednesday, 28 February 2007

It's been nice knowing you

I left work at the same time as Kevin today. The conversation went something like this:

Kevin: "How's it going?"
Me: " Oh, I'm trying to get myself fired."
Kevin: "How's that then?"

And then we discussed the different methods I could try. That's one of the great things about Kevin. It's possible to have a conversation with him that sounds perfectly normal when actually the subject matter isn't. So for reference here are the things we discussed.

1. Breaching the Company's Confidentiality Directive. This is work that is in progress. I have another blog which talks about the project I'm working on. Now this strategy probably won't work because I don't mention the company or anything that I think is confidential in this other blog but I have made efforts to ensure people know of it's existence.

2. Fiddling expenses. This is normally a sure fired (no pun intended) way to get the sack. Now there are problems with this approach. The first is that I don't have the time for this piffling admin task and the second is that my boss is probably astute enough to pick it up before it became a problem.

3. Viewing porn on the company PC. I've probably already done this, inadvertently. I remember typing as a typo when wanting and the company firewall advised me I was trying to access an inappropriate site that might contain porn. I've hit that message a number of times at work. Of course when I use the laptop at home, without being hooked into the corporate network, the firewall doesn't protect me so I've probably seen things I shouldn't. However given that most porn is aimed at men I could probably argue my actions were unintended. I could distribute inappropriate material via e-mail but I'd rather be fired for incompetance which brings me to number 4.

4. Incompetance. Now this is a really difficult one. I've known loads of managers that couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery, who've made things worse rather than better, left a trail of devastation in their wake and none have been fired for it. In fact many seem to get promoted. This would be an unlikely route to succeed but one could certainly have fun trying.

5. Sexual harrassment. This is all very well in theory but this could backfire if my intended victim actually enjoyed the harrassment. So a bit risky.

After discussing these alternatives and determining that none were ideal, Kevin suggested crashing my car into a car park full of manager's cars and claiming I had done this on purpose.
On reflection however we thought that the opportunity for spare parts and replacement cars would be seen as a profit opportunity and therefore perhaps an ingenious attempt by me to aid the company profits.

I don't want to give you the idea that I'm desperate for an escape route, but any other ideas and suggestions are welcome.

1 comment:

Ann said...


Sex in public or on site during working hours has worked for one person I know! Only problem is it may have a detrimental effect on Dave's career!

Persistently being drunk at work would work or not turning up at all without Dr's certificate.

However I would suggest waiting till they have voluntary redundancy, keep treading water till that comes around again.

Keep your chin up.

Posted by Nick On Wednesday, February 28, 2007 at 9:19 PM
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Well sex in public is none of the company's business.

I know other people who've had sex on the premises and they haven't been fired, but maybe HR didn't find out. I don't remember seeing it being identified as against any rules though.

But, it's an interesting idea and I'll just make sure if I follow this route, I'll misbehave with someone other than Dave - one of us needs a career.

Drunk at work wouldn't work. I'd just be sent for counselling.

Not turning up without Doctor's certificate would probably be viewed as an action brought on by stress.

There was VR in December, doubt we'll see it before the end of the year again. And even if it's available the company has to agree they're happy to see you go. I'm not sure this would be a sticking point, but you never know.

Posted by Ann On Wednesday, February 28, 2007 at 9:28 PM
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I got myself fired once... by not turning up any more. Eventually someone noticed and sent someone around for my security card... not to see if I was dead or alive though...

I suggest aiming for some sort of constructive dismissal... then you can go for compensation too!

Posted by Barbara On Wednesday, February 28, 2007 at 10:16 PM
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I think getting myself unjustly fired would be ideal.

Posted by Ann On Thursday, March 01, 2007 at 2:42 PM
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Ann..... This one should not be too difficult for you, every time someone asks you to do something just say Fcuk Off. Eventually they will dismiss you. At this point you can claim unfair dismissal as you were suffering from stress caused by them expecting a mother who works 3 days to do 6 days work If you can turn it into discrimination against a working mother then the min payout is 50K !!!

Posted by Jane On Thursday, March 01, 2007 at 2:27 PM
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Interesting that this week it was reported that women with young children, defined as children under 11, are the group that is most discriminated against in the UK workplace.

Posted by Ann On Saturday, March 03, 2007 at 1:22 PM
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I already tell everyone to f*** off. Have done for the last 16 years. They still haven't fired me.

I know of a case of unfair dismissal where 5 years salary was paid. That sounds quite good.

My ideal would be early retirement on full pension.

Posted by Ann On Thursday, March 01, 2007 at 2:31 PM
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You shouldn't give me ideas

as I'm sure you know, in theory we contractors are paid an excess to compensate for the risk, but we constantly live right on the brink ... we do any of those six things, or if we are even just suspected of doing any of those six things, or if the work requirements change, or if we just say something that offends a permanent employee, or if they just get bored of us, or simply don't want to pay us any more, then that's it, we are effectively "fired" on the spot, no notice or reasons or recompense needed.

but hey it's more fun living life on the edge isn't it

Posted by RNB On Saturday, March 03, 2007 at 12:51 PM
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Which is why, as a permanent employee, if I am fired, I want to ensure it's financially beneficial for me.

Posted by Ann On Saturday, March 03, 2007 at 1:23 PM
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