Five coins, five moves, five hours

Here's a little coin trick. Nothing tricky about it actually but, as I've found, once one is shown how the trick is done, it's very difficult to remember the solution.

Arrange five coins, as shown.

You now have five 'moves' in which to rearrange the coins as shown below.

Let me outline the rules of 'moves'.

Coins are moved two at a time. Coins don't have to be adjacent, but the spacing between the coins must remain throughout the move.

Coin orientation must remain, i.e. a swivel manoeuvre that turns coins through 180 degrees is not allowed.

During a move, the only coins that can be moved are the ones being touched directly. By this I mean one cannot use a coin to move another coin.

Hint: it may help you to think "over, under, over, under, over", it may not. Also bear in mind that having an incentive to complete the trick is generally proven to be a disadvantage.

The person who showed me this trick had to wait about five hours before I 'got it'. The first person I shared the trick with also took about five hours before they mastered it.

Good luck!

Alternative traffic lights

I experienced something quite strange yesterday.

As I drove down a road I passed signs for roadworks and sure enough I came to a halt as traffic had stopped for the traffic lights at the start of the roadworks.

I waited until the traffic started moving and slowly edged forwards. I then noticed that a significant number of cars in front of me were jumping the lights and travelling through on red. The van in front of me stopped though so I started to wait.

I saw the traffic coming through from the opposite direction and just as the first car came through in the opposite direction our lights turned green, but the traffic kept coming and kept coming.

As soon as the traffic stopped flowing the van in front of me started moving and I was quick on its heels. As I passed by the traffic lights at our end it changed from green to red but that didn't stop the traffic following me. Cars and cars went over at red.

At the other side of the roadworks just as I passed the traffic lights, they changed from red to green but of course the traffic couldn't go anywhere because of the volume of vehicles following behind me.

So for the first time ever I saw traffic lights operating where the traffic travelled on red, and stopped on green.

Shopaholic

I had a personal shopping session today. I have very few opportunities for shopping and booked this because I need an outfit for a wedding.

I think I got quite a good deal.

• I went on a preview sale night and the jacket I bought was reduced by £50
• The bag I bought had a ticket price of £45 but the till registered £36. The bag was dusty so the assistant knocked a further £7.20 off the price
• I opened an account which saved me 10%
• There was a further £40 reduction in my bill because it was a preview evening
• Shopping on a preview evening also earned me a box of chocolates and a perfume sampler ('Christina Aguilera')

All of which was very nice. And then there was the icing on the cake. The personal shopper who served me was late for the appointment and was very apologetic. I'm not sure whether this was a factor but, as we parted, she handed me the following as a 'little gift':

• A tote bag
• A make up bag
• A Hugo Boss body lotion (for women)
• Clinique: moisturiser, facial soap, lipstick, mascara, body butter, eye shadow set and applicator
• Perfume samples for the following: Jean Paul Gaultier 'Classique', Thierry Mugler 'Amen' (x2), Paco Rabanne 'Black XS', Hugo Boss Man 'XY' (x2), Hermes 'Kelly Caleche', 'Ghost', 'Mariah Carey'
• A magazine

But most importantly, I managed to find an outfit for the wedding.

Bringing up baby

Channel 4 are doing another reality TV show disguised as a social experiment. The show Bringing Up Baby pits three very different methods of babycare against one another with real babies and real parents living the experiment.

Now most parents have a strong view about how to bring up a baby, which makes for interesting viewing. I have a clear view of things that worked very well for us as a family, and also understand some of the benefits of the methods used by my parents.

I'm happy to talk to people about what worked for us, but I think it's really important that new parents discover the method that works for them.

Of the three methods in the show there is one that in some way is close to the method we followed in that it stresses the importance of routine. Interestingly for me, this, the Truby King method, is the one that is the least attractive of those on display.

The proponent of the Truby King method, Claire Verity, believes one should avoid eye contact with the baby when it's feeding. Verity also believes that ideally a baby should not be cuddled, particularly in the first week and, when this is allowed, it should be restricted to ten minutes per day. She also believes babies should be left outdoors, regardless of weather, for three and a half hours at a time without any attention and they should left alone even if crying.

I struggle to watch the show when the babies are crying and getting no attention. But the thing that really upsets me is Verity's assertion that the baby's cry is the baby's attempt to manipulate the parents and that ignoring the baby "shows it who's boss."

My reaction is strange because I have used the controlled crying technique which, whilst it doesn't leave a baby for hours, does require a baby to cry themselves to sleep by leaving them for increasing lengths of time before attending to them.

Anyway I have a method that worked for me (both of our children slept well for 12 hours a night at eight weeks of age) and I've seen Verity's approach. Whilst I wouldn't force 'our' method onto any parent, I would suggest strongly that nobody follow the barbaric Truby King method advocated by Claire Verity.

Brain drain

I think I must be losing my mind.

Granted I had a lot to remember today as I was off to Ireland for an overnight trip, but I'm pretty sure that doesn't excuse the poor state of my memory.

This morning I forgot to pop my phone in my bag which has left me feeling incomplete. I feel naked.

I did contrive a plan whereby Tracey could swing past Dave's office, pick up my front door keys, grab my phone from the charger it's plugged into on the kitchen worktop and then bring it to Stansted. This could have worked if Tracey hadn't been working from home today.

In addition to forgetting my phone I also forgot to wear a belt. This isn't a disaster as I have sufficient 'hippage' to hold up a pair of jeans but it didn't stop me from sneaking a look at the airport to see if there was an appropriate substitute. Again, I feel undressed without a belt.

My final, and I consider the most horrific, omission I discovered when trying to store my train ticket. You may remember that I have a special place for storing train tickets. Yes, today I came out of my house sans bra. I forgot to wear a bra. This has never happened before. Granted I have left the house un bra'd before but this has never been unintentional.

Now fortunately I had a couple of bras in my bag so as soon as I got to the office I made a trip to the ladies to rectify the situation, but how on earth could I forget to wear a bra?

Poor parenting

I'm not very good at taking criticism, especially regarding my parenting skills.

This is not through some overblown notion that I'm perfect, far from it. I know I have many flaws and my problem is when the criticism touches a nerve and I recognise the truth therein.

I'll give you the latest incident that came in for criticism.

Hannah has a tiara, bought on Saturday, to wear at her uncle's wedding in a months time.

She wanted to show off her tiara for visitors who popped in today. Just before they knocked on the door she refused to put the tiara on.

I said that if she wasn't prepared to wear the tiara for our guests then I would have to assume she wouldn't be prepared to wear it in front of everyone at the wedding, so I might as well take it back to the shop.

She put the tiara on her head, it was admired and it isn't going back to the shop as a result.

Apparently this approach will make Hannah feel she must always please me and put her in fear of me. She will go through life worrying "what will my mother think?"

There is some truth in this and this is what is making me feel inadequate, useless, pathetic and sorry for my children for having to put up with such a poor mother.

Tables turned

We had lunch in M&S today.

The kiddie offering was a picnic bag containing organic apple juice, organic raisins, cheese triangle biscuits, chocolate lollipop and yummy sandwiches.

The yummy sandwiches were to be selected at the checkout. Given the upmarket sounding organic contents of the remainder of the selection, I was optimistic about the 'yummy' sandwiches.

How disappointing then to have the choice of either tuna, or cheese, both housed in white bread.

Anyway this lunch consumption had to be supervised. It's commonly understood that before one gets ones paws on a chocolate lollipop one needs to consume ones savouries.

The frequent cajoling of my two took a familiar form. "Eat your sandwiches and cheese triangles and then you can have your chocolate lollipop."

The cafe was crowded and my verbal encouragement became more consistent and insistent as I felt guilty about occupying a table for so long because my children were eating exceptionally slowly.

After chivvying Ethan just one more time that was tolerable for him, he responded with "I'll eat if just stop talking!"

That told me.

Poltergeist

I know I've mentioned that there's a filthy rumour that our house is haunted but I'm beginning to wonder whether there's substance to the claim.

Things have been going missing for as long as I can remember but I've always put that down to my forgetfulness and untidiness.

Yesterday evening Hannah was transferring DVDs from a travel CD case back into the DVD cases. There was one (High School Musical) for which the case wasn't on the shelf, but I knew where it was. Hannah wouldn't have known where to put that DVD without having a case to hand.

This morning I asked her where the DVD was. I looked for the DVD (because a friend wants to borrow it for her children). I cannot find the DVD but Hannah assures me she saw it yesterday and couldn't find its case.

There are only a limited number of places where a Hannah could have put the DVD and I have almost, but not quite, turned the house upside down looking for it today. Nothing.

Could we have a cheeky poltergeist or is it just that my daughter has inherited my ready ability to misplace items?

Nuisance calls

Recently I've been increasingly annoyed by sales calls.

We signed up to the Telephone Preference Service years ago and for many years we had peace and quiet. We had been abandoned by those wanting us to take out a loan, remortgage the house, buy double glazing, write our wills, invest in a new kitchen, etc.

The last few months have seen these calls returning and these people have picked on the wrong person.

I wait patiently for the caller to advise me of the reason for the call. I ask for the name of the company, the individual calling and their telephone number and location.

I then politely advise them that they shouldn't be calling me because we've signed up to the Telephone Preference Service and that I will be reporting the company for not following the appropriate procedures.

When apologies are offered I am grateful but advise that this will not change my decision to report the company.

When they advise me they'll remove my details from their list, I tell them that removing me won't solve the problem it's their processes that need changing.

The last unwanted call I received was from a company trying to promote voice over internet phone (VOIP) calls.

I went through my usual routine but with a difference. This time I followed through with my threat to report the offence. This is easily done with a visit to the TPS website.

Today I received a letter from TPS, which wasn't unexpected. Having complained before I knew this would be a letter advising that the complaint was received and would be processed.

It wasn't. The letter said "We have no record of you on our database."

Er.

Virtue

We were talking today about the shocking behaviour of mothers who live 20 yards from the school and still choose to get in their cars, or more likely 4x4s.

Well we don't live 2o yards away, but the school is just a couple of streets away, and so is the nursery. When I was on maternity leave I usually walked to nursery but things have changed now I'm back at work.

In the morning we drive our children to school and nursery en route to work and pick them up on the way back from work. On days when I don't work, we always walk (rain, snow, sleet - always).

Anyway the conversation made me feel guilty so I finished work a little bit earlier than normal today so decided to walk. It was chilly but the sun was shining.

I was feeling virtuous. I collected Hannah and we started to walk to nursery. Hannah loved walking, although actually she skipped most of the way. I thought it was lovely that when she's happy she skips rather than walks. How fantastic to have that much energy and enthusiasm towards the end of the day.

We reached nursery and Ethan was delighted to see us. He always runs up to me and leaps at me when I pick him up. I have to be ready to catch him otherwise I get knocked over.

After getting our happy, smiley boy ready with his coat on we prepared to walk home. And realised it was chucking it down. And I wasn't wearing a coat, or jacket and I didn't have an umbrella.

The children did not look happy about the prospect of a wet walk home. I called Dave thinking he might be on his way home and perhaps he could divert to pick us up. He hadn't left the office, so we braved it.

I got soaked. And instead of feeling virtuous, I felt cold and miserable when I got home.

Give one, get one

You'll be familiar with BOGOF (buy one get one free) from your trip around the supermarket.

Today I learnt about G1G1 - give one, get one.

It's a simple idea. You buy a cheap laptop and the price that you pay is sufficient to cover the cost of a second laptop which is given to a child in a developing country.

Anyway I thought it was a damn sight better in principle than the usual Tesco offering which means you have two of something when you only wanted one.

Here's a link that tells you all about it:

http://newsvote.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/6994957.stm

Women are from Venus

As a women I am able to claim the ability to multitask. Similarly I can claim to lack a highly developed spatial awareness, something that is usually more of an inherent male ability.

These are things that are generally acknowledged by both men and women. I'm not entirely convinced.

Today, as I drove into the station car park, I was listening to the radio and I was also thinking about stuff, also known as daydreaming.

There were quite a few spaces, but the one I had my eye on was at the end of the row. I normally like to reverse into a parking spaces because it makes for a quick getaway and it's also something that I was taught on a driving course. In order to reverse into this space I needed to turn the car around and then reverse.

The space between the lines of cars made a three point turn impossible so I needed to use another parking space to make the turn possible.

Let's just check what's going on in my head right now. The radio is still on, I'm still thinking about stuff, I'm doing mental manipulation of 3D objects to work out this parking manoeuvre and I'm also driving the car.

I reversed out of my turning space when "crunch" happened. I had reversed into a 4x4.

I got out and checked for damage and there was none on either vehicle, so I got back in, and to hide my embarrassment I just parked, nose in, in the space I had intended to use for turning.

I was embarrassed because the parking distance sensors had been working, I just hadn't processed the noise.

So I managed to demonstrate my lack of spatial awareness, but I also managed to show complete inability to multitask.

The smallest things

Sometimes it's easy to forget what it is that's a big deal for small children.

I go to work and see the office as a drab, grey place that is only given life by the people in it. I took the children into work on Friday and they saw it differently:

• It's a huge building with lots of car parks and therefore lots of cars.
• You have to go through Security to get a badge that allows you into the building and to get into the building you have to use a turnstile.
• To move between floors there are stairs, escalators and stairs.
• The corridors seem never ending with secret areas obscured by cube walls.
• There are computers everywhere.
• Everyone has a swivel chair and a telephone.
• People have toys near their desks like model cars and vans.
• Offices have large white boards offering endless creative possibilities.
• People treat children as special guests.

It's still possible to read the above list as an adult and consider it unremarkable, but if I read with a child's view, I remember how exciting it was to visit Dad's office, and his office was equally unremarkable.

Environmentally friendly

I think the blue tit I cruelly murdered (or was it bird slaughter) had friends in the underbelly of the animal kingdom.

I went into the bathroom this morning and spotted a few wasps. A bleary eyed count of wasps numbered 17, which is a lot of wasps. Some were dead, most alive although a little dopey, a bit like me first thing in the morning.

I looked out of the window at the old overflow pipe that used to lead to the water tank before we installed a combi boiler. The last time we had a wasp nest, the buggers were using the pipe to gain easy access to the loft. Not on this occasion though.

After the usual Saturday morning routine of getting everyone up and breakfasted then carting Hannah off to gymnastics I had the time to take a closer look.

This time the stripey beasts were making a beeline (intentional and quite good pun I thought) for the corner of the front loft, and there were lots of them.

I reached for the yellow pages and under 'Pest Control' there were plenty of firms claiming '1 Hour Callout, 'Sameday Service', 'Emergency Response'. I discovered these claims were only valid if 'it wasn't a Saturday', 'they hadn't gone away for the weekend' or 'they could be bothered'. Eventually I found a company that promised a call within two hours.

The nest is now sprayed with noxious chemicals, as is half of the house, but the wasps are now no more, although they did have a manic hour or so of being really angry.

So I killed a blue tit yesterday and hundreds of wasps today. I doubt I can claim to be environmentally friendly.

I didn't mean to

Ethan has some stock phrases when he's caught doing something he shouldn't.

"It wasn't me." and "I didn't mean to." which, if you think about it, are contradictory.

Well today it was me, but I didn't mean to.

I have no idea how it got there, but this afternoon there was a blue tit in our study/computer room/office/spare room. It was very much alive and trying to fly through the closed window. This room is the farthest room along the upstairs landing and I'd just returned to the house which had been left with windows and doors firmly closed. If the cat had brought it in then it was showing remarkable good health, considering.

I don't think I panicked but I definitely wanted to get the bird out of the house as quickly as possible.

In front of the window is a large desk. It's far too big for the room but, when we looking for desks, Dave said he wanted a large desk so that's what we bought. This means that getting to the window to open it is not easy, especially if you're only five inches over five foot in height.

The other thing that made it tricky is that it's an old sash window and therefore a bit 'sticky'.

And finally it's difficult to concentrate on the task in hand when there's a blue tit flapping around the room.

I had the presence of mind to close the door so that once I opened the window the bird would have just one escape route.

As I fiddled with the bottom sash, forcing it upwards I hadn't been paying attention to the whereabouts of the tit.

Oops. Somehow the blue tit's neck was caught between the two sash windows as I was applying pressure and although I stopped as soon as I realised what was happening it didn't take long for the flapping, or any sign of life to stop.

As the bird was now lifeless it went limp and became more and more wedged between the two windows. Every time I moved the window the situation became worse.

With the aid of a spoon (don't ask why a spoon was in the study) I managed to extract the bird. Baby wipes were used to clean up the blood and left a messy smear where the blood had been.

So I had dead blue tit in hand and an open window at this point. I figured that if the cat had caught the bird, something it hasn't done in the last ten years, then it deserved a meal, so I threw the bird out of the window.

I think this means I'm guilty of bird slaughter and callous disposal of the body.

I didn't mean to.

First base

Facebook has the functionality to allow you to ask friends a question and they have the option to respond if they want to.

I was clicking through questions yesterday and came across "Do you kiss on a first date?"

Well clearly, as a married woman, I don't go on first dates very much these days so I raided the memory banks.

I think that, for all of my first dates, I had kissed before the date. I'm not sure that paints a very positive picture but allow me to explain how I justify this to myself.

To put it simply, what's the point of going on a date if you know the kissing is going to be rubbish? And kissing tells you all lot more about a potential date than just the kissing.

All of this means a lot of kissing because you have to find the good ones worthy of a date. I think the phrase is that one has to kiss a lot of frogs before one finds the prince.



I'm still not sure that paints a very good picture...

Ooo now there's a question

What are the five things you'd change to improve your satisfaction with your job and your company?

Test of reasonableness*

If a couple are married or co-habiting then should they act like a couple or act like a couple of individuals?

Let me give you a scenario.

If my husband wanted to go for a four hour bike ride on a Sunday morning, which of the following courses of action should he follow?
a) check with me that I don't mind
b) tell me that he's going without asking
c) just go and leave a note

I don't think this is a difficult quandry but let me give you a different scenario.

My husband knows that if he asks me if he can go for a bike ride, I'll likely say no because we've already arranged to go to the park with the children. He still wants to go for the bike ride. Which of the following should he do?
a) check with me that I don't mind
b) tell me that he's going without asking
c) just go and leave a note
d) tell me he has to go into work, but secretly go for the bike ride

I tend to think there is a test of reasonableness and that test runs along the lines of 'do unto others as you would have them do to you'.

But what would you do?

*any resemblance to any persons living is entirely coincidental (or similar caveat)

Don't listen to the news

I went to bed early last night. My body needed a bit of recuperation time after a nasty tummy bug over the weekend.

I didn't watch the news yesterday, I didn't listen to the news. Come to think of it I haven't absorbed the news for a few days because of lack of opportunity/interest.

Today as I walked into the train station I noticed a distinct lack of people. I walked straight to the ticket desk. This is unusual. Normally I wait behind at least 15 people all of whom are struggling into consciousness in the quueue.

I was running a little late, maybe 10 minutes, but this didn't really explain the lack of people; I've been running late before and it's never been this quiet.

As I walked towards the platforms I noticed the displays for train arrivals were displaying a service message: "The RMT Union has called off its industrial action planned for Sunday 16th and Monday 17th September."

Perhaps all of my usual fellow travellers had made other arrangements or perhaps there's another more obscure reason. Either way it made me realise that, sometimes, media consumption is a negative thing.

People only get married in the summer

We went shopping for a bridesmaid/flowergirl dress yesterday.

Did you know people only get married in the summer?

John Lewis had no stock of any dress that was remotely suitable. Their explaination, when questioned, was that they only get one delivery of wedding 'stuff' a year, and that's in February. Once it's sold, it's sold. It's September, and it's sold.

Marks and Spencer, when a similar lack of stock was apparent, explained that the wedding stock had been removed to make way for Christmas.

These weren't the only stores to demonstrate a clear bias towards the summer wedding.

Fortunately, amongst the dregs left from the summer wedding buyers, we found the most beautiful dress, but this didn't detract from the annoyance at the wedding attire strategy demonstrated most clothing retailers.

And what's wrong with getting married in the winter anyway? My anniversary is in December.

Call the cops

Hannah brings a book home every day from school which has to be read by Hannah to someone before she returns to school the next day.

Friday's book was "My Friend Whale" which is a moving story of a boy who has a blue whale for a friend. As the story unfolds the reader learns amazing facts about blue whales. At the end of the book, the boy is no longer visited by the whale and the boy fears that the whale won't return.

At the end of the book there's a brief description of the extent of diminishing whale numbers and the causes, together with suggestions of organisations to contact if more information is wanted.

Ths evening Hannah said "I want to stop the people who kill the whales." "How do you want to do that?" I asked.

She thought.

"I'll call the police."

Pain or pleasure

Dave has muscular problems. He sees a physiotherapist every week or so to have some serious pain inflicted. This always strikes me as a little strange but, as he tells me he feels better afterwards, I let it go.

Dave couldn't always get physio appointments when he needed them and was talking to the physio who recommended that he buy a Backnobber II.

Being a gadget nerd, Dave took the bait and purchased one.

Anyway the point of the post is to provide a third party recommendation for the Backnobber II.

As I arrived back from the gym tonight Dave was applying his Backnobber II to a variety of pressure points along the spine and had been for 34 minutes.

Apparently it's really good....

I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

Cruelty to babysitters

We went out the other evening while Mel came over to babysit.

When we came back it was dark. I mean everything was dark. The sky was dark but so was our house.

I was confused because I knew I'd left a couple of lights on before we left the house and I had expected, as it became darker, that Mel would have turned more lights on.

As we drew closer to the house we saw a glow from the living room, a telltale sign that the TV was on.

We crept into the house worried about waking Mel, and then I thought we might scare her unless we did make some noise, so we became excessively noisy.

Mel explained.

All of a sudden, during the evening, all the downstairs lights had gone off. Mel hadn't known how to fix this, even after a call to her hubby.

We're not unused to this phenomenon. It happens when any one bulb downstairs blows. The fuse trips and all lights on the downstairs lighting circuit are immediately without power.

So the next time we leave a babysitter in our house, we think we need to provide a torch and directions to the fuse box. Leaving someone who's doing you a favour sat in the dark, when they brought a book to wile away the hours, is just plain cruel.

Missing

A while ago I told you the sorry tale of my binoculars.

Well add the following items to the list of things I want to find:

My silver dolphin bracelet watch - bought on ebay for about £16. I know it's not worth much but I love it and it's been missing for about two months.

The DVD remote control - I'm pretty sure that there are some functions I can only access using the remote control. I am surviving without it, but it's disappearance is annoying.

Incy Wincy

We have an unofficial pet.

Hannah received a bug collectors kit for her birthday and we had some free time on Thursday in which we could play with it. The kit had bug collecting tubes with lids, a mesh covered box to store little beasties and a jar with a magnifying glass in the lid for close observation.

We started by collecting ants, but they were boring after a while so Hannah moved onto a different activity.

A couple of days later I found Spidey spider next to the shower. He's a reasonable size and quite pretty. I put him in the viewing jar and when Hannah woke up I showed her Spidey.

I managed to find a fly who was a bit dopey for Spidey's lunch. The fly didn't last long.

I found a dead fly for dessert but Spidey wasn't interested.

The next day there was a daddy longlegs (crane fly) hanging about not doing much in the kitchen. He was easily persuaded to join Spidey. Daddy Longlegs didn't last very long either.

Now I don't want Spidey to die on my watch but I don't want to have to keep collecting live meals to keep him (or her) going. And Hannah says we can't let him go. What should I do?

How to start drinking at lunchtime and avoid a hangover

1. Take a Piriton tablet in the morning
2. Have a Lemsip at lunchtime
3. Have a reasonable lunch
4. Drink gin and tonic (copious quantities)
5. Have greasy burger at train station on way home
6. Drink pint of water just before bed
7. Wake up early and drink another pint of water
8. Cook a decent breakfast and eat it (bacon and eggs must be included)

I think this is the formula that worked for me. The problem is that I'm not sure which elements are the key factors and which were just coincidental. Additionally I've included all of the details that I consider salient but I could have omitted some. Should I, perhaps, have included 5.5 Take cab back from train station, or 5.8 Wait two hours after getting home before you go to bed? There are other examples of items omitted but I'm not sure they're relevant, hence the omission.

Maybe you could try my method and tell me if it works for you. Perhaps I should engage on a serious of scientific experiments in which I vary the list and judge the effects.

Food for thought

My husband and I are very different.

When we've returned home after a trip out I will generally want to sit quietly and have a cup of tea or just sit and not do much.

Dave is into action mode even before we're in the house. Within minutes of arriving home this evening he'd unpacked the car, sorted the kids tea, sorted and put the recycling out, changed three sets of bed linen, put a wash on, sorted some other laundry into various different piles.

I managed to sit down and chat to the children and run a bath for them, which I do consider to be a value added exercise because, had I not done that then they would have been bugging Dave and he wouldn't been half as productive.

I can't imagine how terrible life would be if I'd married someone like me - now there's food for thought.

The things kids say

Recently, in a restaurant on holiday, there was a young waiter attending to our table who was bald but had a beard.

Ethan said to the waiter "You've got no hair."

We died from embarrassment. I don't know why. He was only stating a fact.

The waiter had more of a sense of humour and replied "Oh no! Where's it gone? Where's my hair gone?"

Hannah joined the conversation with "It's on your chin" in a tone that implied he must be joking because it was obvious his hair was on his chin.

Exaggeration

I've told you a million times, I don't exaggerate.

Coma

How is it possible for me to drink 8,384 gin and tonics (and a bucks fizz) and not be comatose?

It's easy isn't it?

Most people believe we should be recycling more but I wonder how many people buy a product based on it's recycling potential.

Currently our local council will collect and recycle: tin and steel cans, paper (not shredded), cardboard (not plasticised and not Tetrapak), glass (but not broken and no metal lids or caps), plastic (PP Polypropylene and PET Polyester only).

This means that a whole array of items end up in landfill.

There are some easy conventional ways to increase the amount of packaging that is recycled: educate the consumer and encourage purchases of items that can be recycled, and persuade councils to collect and recycle more types of plastic.

Alternatively there's my plan.

I propose that goods should only be sold in materials that are recycled by 90% of local authorities.

This would mean the end of Tetrapak or any other mixed material packaging. It would also reduce the proliferation of plastics that, while recycling is possible, aren't currently collected. And it must be possible, mustn't it?

I wonder which way is, ultimately, the easiest?

Strategies on the hoof

Tube strikes are a pain.

When I used to work near Victoria and there was a tube strike I used to resort to the bus. Clearly I wasn't the only one doing this which meant that the bus stop next to Victoria station was very busy.

I could have done the traditionally British thing of queueing politely and waiting my turn, but I didn't. I walked about 20 yards away from the bus stop and waited until my bus drew near. As it slowed down I ran after it and hopped on the back. That meant that when the bus came to a stop, I was already on the bus and didn't have to fight for a space like all of the polite people at the bus stop. (I know - nasty person aren't I?)

This week I knew there was a tube strike affecting my usual route. I figured that some people would opt for the bus alternative but I only assumed I'd see a slight increase in bus queue volume. How stupid.

At Liverpool Street as I made my way to the bus stop I noticed that the gallery level was full of hundreds of people looking down onto the station concourse. A closer look revealed that all of these people were queueing for buses.

I went out onto the road and saw that the taxi situation was equally ridiculous.

I walked back to the bus area and saw the bus I needed leaving. No chance to do the Routemaster trick of hopping on the back because Ken Livingstone has killed them all. I had foolishly left the house without a tube map or an AtoZ so I resorted to following the bus, on foot.

For the first couple of streets I was keeping up with the bus. I thought about trying to find a bus stop far enough away from Liverpool Street for the bus to have emptied a little, and also for a bus stop to be uncrowded.

I did think that strategy was a bit daft but, while I was keeping up with the bus, I didn't care.

Just as the bus was going out of sight, I spotted a sign for Moorgate station and I had a vague memory of Moorgate being on the Northern Line, one of only three lines operating.

I diverted, and the rest is history.

Organisational skills - part deux

In addition to yesterday's pathetic last minute sorting of the library summer read project, I also found myself sorting out last minute school uniform buys.

Shoes were first on the list and were sorted quickly. Writing this reminds me that I haven't bought plimsolls. Note to self: task for the weekend.

Last week I'd bought school pinafores and polo shirts. The polo shirts are supposed to bear the school emblem. I cheated this year and bought plain polo shirts. My thinking is that if they are worn under a pinafore then the embroidered emblem is obscured, so why pay the extra?

The thing that was still on the list, because that does require a trip to the school uniform shop, is a trio of cardigans bearing the school emblem.

I owned up to my lack of forward planning and someone mentioned that the school uniform shop had moved. It's a good job someone told me because I could have turned up to an empty retail outlet and resorted to hair pulling and wailing.

At 4:45pm on the day before the first day back at school, I found myself at the end of a queue that stretched out of the school uniform shop onto the pavement. Five minutes before the shop closed I reached the counter. I bought the last three cardigans in Hannah's size. That's what I call cutting it fine.

Organisational skills

Today was my last day of a 26 day break from work. It is also the day before the first day of the new school year.

Over the summer libraries nationwide have been conducting a programme to encourage reading during the summer holidays. They do this every year and this summer's theme was 'The Big Wild Read' - something to do with the environment.

The theme varies but the concept remains the same year on year. A sticker chart record of book records is issued and stickers awarded for each book completed. If six books are read though the holidays then a medal and certificate are awarded.

It's a reasonable programme and, for children who stay at home with their mothers for all of the six weeks of the break, it's easily achievable.

Our lives are a little more hectic. Reading the books is not a problem, but scheduling six visits to the library presents more of a challenge. So we cheat.

We get away with taking two completed books in for each visit.

Last week I had planned to do the final trip to the library, collecting the last stickers and enabling Hannah to collect a medal and to be presented with her certificate in a special school assembly.

Plans are all very well but one needs a back up plan when the first one is scuppered.

The children spent longer at their grandparents last week than we had predicted. On their return we bundled them in a car to go away for the weekend.

Panic set in today as I knew this was my last chance. I heard from another school mum that the programme finished last Saturday.

I went to library sheepishly and pleaded. Luckily I didn't need to pinch or kick Hannah to induce a hysterical screaming fit to help me get my way; The staff were used to parents who just weren't quite organised enough and they added Hannah's name to the list. Her medal will be ready for collection next week and her certificate guaranteed before half term.

Mission accomplished. Phew!

Living in IKEA

IKEA has a strategy of arranging the store as a series of rooms so that consumers feel that they too can live the IKEA way.

It's a bit like the strategy I once heard about the importance of mirrors in a house that you're trying to sell. Apparently if the potential buyer is viewing a house and looks into the mirror they then see themselves, but in your house. Psychologically that's supposed to help them envisage living in the house and thus buying it. This could be utter codswallop of course, who knows?

I've often wondered whether living in an IKEA house would live up to the dream of the marketing both in the catalogue and the store.

I had the chance to find out. Our holiday home was almost exclusively filled with IKEA furniture, crockery, kitchen utensils, linen etc..

It does work. In fact I now need a trip to IKEA to buy loads of things that I wouldn't have picked off the shelves but, having used them and lived with them, I now need them.

Terrorist threat

OK I'm not a terrorist threat, but I could be.

OK I couldn't be; I haven't got what it takes.

My point is that nobody else knows that. You can't just look and me and say "Terrorist? Not a chance." And I did travel with my daughter's expiring passport...

It was only while I was on the flight from Dalaman to Gatwick that I realised something quite alarming.

My hand baggage had gone through two X-Ray checks. One imagines that anything that shouldn't be in hand baggage would have been discovered at one or other check.

I didn't think I should have been allowed on the plane with a penknife, even a small one, but I had been. I'd forgotten to pack it in the hold luggage. Oops.

It's a good job I'm not a major threat to security.

Words

I like words. I'm not always sure about definitions and usage and, when I was reading the awful 'Wives of Bath' by Wendy Holden, I made a note of things to look up. Here's my list with words in context and my consequent conclusion.

Obduracy - '...as the bus, with it's customary obduracy, failed to materialise'. I think this is used in the wrong context but could be allowed if one were feeling generous.

Papped - "...because someone from Intercorp's papped their penis?" I have had to guess this meaning as I haven't found anything adequate. I guess authors can invent words so this could be allowed but the apostrophe for Intercorp seems wrong, but I am no Lynne Truss.

Sinecure - 'What a sinecure she'd had there.' This is, to my mind, an obscure term that is, however, correct in context.

Dandling - '...dandling angelic infants...'. From Shakespeare no less, but new to me.

Hunkers - 'Jake dropped on his hunkers...'. This sounds about right, and is.

Mewling - 'And Rosa, currently mewling on the kitchen floor, ...'. Shakespeare again apparently, a faintly onomatopoeic addition to my vocabulary.

Odour - 'Following the disastrous dog incident, he was in worse odour than ever at Dunn and Dustard.' This sounded plausible but it was the first time I recalled seeing odour used in this context. Holden was right though - no fault found.

Holiday reading

I packed a fairly predictable set of books to read on holiday. My sister-in-law had a clear out at Easter and I picked up a handful of 'disposable' reading matter.

Most of my choices fell into the chick lit. category. OK all of my choices fell into the chick lit. category but there is significant variability within this genre.

There's the predictable, and Jill Mansell's 'Making your mind up' and 'The one you really want' does what chick. lit should. These were my first two reads.

My third read was a shocker. How Wendy Holden became a best selling author is a mystery. Her biography claims she used to be a journalist. Given this background I expected better than I got with 'The Wives of Bath'. The author should realise the umbrella genre is the literary equivalent of easy listening. I'm not frightened of complex language and I frequently use the dictionary to check the specific meaning of words I find in a text. I don't expect this to be necessary when I'm sat next to the pool relaxing. Some of the language used was inappropriate for the audience and some of it was just used in the wrong context. Perhaps she considered that language could have the same lack of credibility as the plot and characters.

My next book was a surprise, and a good one. 'Come Together' by Josie Lloyd and Emlyn Rees has a twist as it's written by a woman and a man and is written from both perspectives. I liked this book and it made me smile, a lot. It's not award winning literature but it is fun.

My fifth read was a swap from the bar at our resort. The 'Jane Austen Book Club' by Karen Joy Fowler struck me as a book that ambled through some reminiscences and mixed them with a weak storyline. It tried hard and was reasonably successful but it didn't result in a book I'd recommend.

I kept the unltimate chick lit. author for the plane home. Jane Austen's 'Sense and Sensibility' doesn't really suit a holiday. It requires my full attention and, as such, still contains a bookmark.

Passport control

After making it through the passport check through to the departure gates at Gatwick I was both relieved and worried at the same time.

I was happy we'd cleared one hurdle but concerned that the next time we might be stopped would be in Turkey.

At Dalaman airport we queued for visas and my heart was racing.

We acquired visas and had only passport control to complete. As soon as we were officially allowed into Turkey I wanted to exit the airport as quickly as possible to avoid the possibility of anyone realising their mistake.

We sprinted down to baggage reclaim, grabbed our suitcases and found our transfer minibus. We had made it.

An hour later, on twisty roads through pretty scenery, I was hit by a thought; we'd left the buggy at the airport. Fortunately we hadn't forgotten the children.

Illegal immigrant?

We're almost packed. Everything in suitcases and bags and, yes, we have tickets and passports too.

The problem is that we may not make it to our final destination as intended.

Hannah's passport expires at the end of September, a fact I discovered this morning.

In theory, I thought, this shouldn't be a problem; it's valid for the period of travel. In fact I felt relieved because my worry was that it might have expired and we hadn't thought to check it.

At the back of my mind was a nagging worry that sometimes there's a requirement for a traveller to have six weeks or six months remaining on a passport at the point of entry.

I decided to check online and the website with the most information was the site for the British Consulate in Turkey. The exact wording was "Passports should be valid for six months at the point of entry."

I reviewed my options.

Getting a new passport before 6am tomorrow was not feasible. The word 'should' was used which seemed to me to be more of a request than a requirement. I decided we should wing it.

Best case scenario is on holiday, on time.

My expected scenario is that Hannah is denied access to the flight and we rush around on Monday sorting out the passport and booking new flights and transfers for Tuesday morning.

Worst case scenario is the unknown of Hannah being allowed onto the flight but denied entry to Turkey. I'm not exactly sure what would happen in this situation. I assume that she would be treated like an illegal immigrant, but I'm not sure. Maybe she'd be detained, maybe she'd be sent back on a return flight. I guess I might find out tomorrow.

WiFi

The place we're going for our hols has WiFi in the bar, by the pool and somewhere else. This means I could take my (work) laptop with me on holiday.

This is an attractive proposition as I like tinternet and all it has to offer. You may have noticed. ;)

I'm not sure the family would share my enthusiasm but I think I could get away with it.

There is, however, a part of me that thinks that complete removal from all things world wide web would be a real benefit of a holiday; a true holiday.

The main problem with this is that, in addition to WiFi access, there is also a PC with internet access available. I think the PC is in the basement.

I know what I'm like. If there's one thing I can't resist, it's temptation. I know I'll feel drawn to the basement. This resets the decision of the laptop.

What's worse for the family? Would they prefer that I disappeared for long periods of time off to the basement or would they rather I was with them but distracted, playing with the laptop? Decisions, decisions.

In charge of an ambulance

We wandered in to town today. We spent far longer in town than we had planned.

On our list was: a clothes shop, a book shop, supermarket.

Whilst in the book shop it became obvious that Hannah need the loo so we hastened our departure and planned to use the conveniences at Sainsbury.

As we walked towards Sainsbury Ethan noticed an ambulance pulling up outside.

As we got closer it had parked and people were getting out of it, some being directed into the shop by a security guard. The driver of the ambulance was using the remote key fob to try an lock the vehicle. She tried about five times and each time she checked by attempting to open the driver's door. Each time, the door opened.

I was getting closer and could see she clearly needed to go into the store, but couldn't because the ambulance remained unlocked. Without thinking I went up and said "Do you want me to look after it?"

She replied "Oh, yes please if you wouldn't mind."

And so I stood outside the supermarket, next to an ambulance, in charge.

The engine was running (with no keys in the ignition - weird) and the doors were unlocked. I don't really know what I thought I could or would do to protect the vehicle, but I stood there regardless.

It then occurred to me that we had been in a hurry to relieve Hannah of a need. I negotiated, Hannah waited and half an hour later the paramedics emerged with their patient.

I handed over control of the ambulance and we went on our way, but, for half an hour, I was in charge of an ambulance.

Advice to a friend

If you are dating a woman and she wants to have a child with you, it's because she loves you. She's not looking to trap you. She doesn't just want a baby.

If you don't want a child then please be honest. Don't have unprotected sex on the basis that you can escape later. It's not fair to her, or any child.

If you don't love her and don't want to spend the rest of your life with her, then get out of the relationship and move on. There's nothing worse than the couple who stay together because neither wants to end things.

If she already has children, she is not looking at you as a ticket out of being a single mother, if she were she wouldn't want another child.

If you aren't quite ready for children but you might be in a couple of years then have the honest discussion. She may be thinking that her time is running out, and the magic age for this type of thinking is 35 because that's when fertility starts to decline rapidly. She may have decided that you are 'the one' but her biological clock won't let her wait a couple of years.

If you think your girlfriend has any of these ulterior motives then you clearly don't trust her. If you don't trust her, then you can't love her. If you don't love her, move on.

Tears of passion?

Is it OK to cry in the workplace?

Today was not a good day for me. In fact today was shitty. In fact today was one of those days when you just want to walk out of the door and never walk back in.

So when you're that fed up and frustrated, is it OK to cry?

Well I did. Not for long, and I took a walk outside the building to get my head together so I wouldn't be seen blubbing like an idiot (and saw a fox in the car park too, so not all bad).

But, as a result, I thought I'd see what the web had to say on the subject. I didn't have to look far to find something that summed up my feelings on the subject.

The following was written by a man in response to a blog on the subject of crying in the workplace:

"Organizations of all stripes spend large sums of money and a lot of energy to create and promote new strategic initiatives, new visions and missions. The vast majority of those efforts are wasted because the strategies, visions, and missions are passionless and fail to capture any kind of emotional energy. The efforts are passionless because emotion is frowned upon in workplaces; intellect reigns. So, there is a business case for tears: no tears = no passion = dry and lifeless organizations in which emotional energy is suppressed instead of encouraged and then committed to organizational initiatives."

So there!

Speed limits

We live on a one way street (well it's 85% one way). It's a residential street with a speed limit of 30 miles per hour. There are three schools at the end of the road and cars park on the side of the road making it quite narrow. To add to the confusion our road takes you towards the nearby ambulance station.

The council, in their infinite wisdom, have considered some actions to address two issues the street experiences: cars travelling at excessive speed, cars going the wrong way down the one way bit.

The measures under consideration are: narrowing of the road briefly at the section where the one way section begins, putting up advisory 20 miles per hour limit signs. The advisory speed limit of 20 miles per hour wouldn't be enforceable.

Their ideas might be OK but I got a better idea today to handle the excessive speed issue. On my way to work I pass one of those signs that flashes the speed limit as a reminder if you're travelling too fast.

I think that flashing the speed limit as a reminder is a bit tame. As I was walking along the street tonight and some idiot drove past at about 50 miles per hour, I thought "A**ewipe".

Unfortunately that pearl was missed by the driver, which lead me to my idea.

I think an illuminated sign with a variety of messages should flash up, roadside, when someone exceeds the advisory limit.

Messages I think might be appropriate (asterisks used to protect sensibilities):
W*nker
F***er
A***wipe
A***hole
C***
Tw*t
C*ck s*cker
Shrimp d*ck
Loooooser

You get the idea.

Now I don't actually think this would fix the problem. I know if I drove along this street with this facility I would deliberately break the limit to see what message I'd receive. This doesn't matter though. I think people will always break the limit; this message board would serve to provide me with amusement in the meantime.

Leave her alone

I'm only vaguely aware of what goes on in Celebrityland but I have seen enough to gather that Britney Spears is going through a tough time right now.

From what I've seen, she's gone through, or going through, a breakdown. This is affecting the relationships she has with her child and her mother.

The celebrity rags however still seem to have their claws out.

Why can't they just give the poor thing some space and time to get back to normal, because even her version of normal won't be like this. Her mental health won't be helped by the constant sniping at her dress sense, hairstyle or behaviour.

Leave her alone.

Naughty

If I'm told to do something by a policeman then (within reason) I'll do it and won't question the instruction.

I didn't realise I had this inbuilt conformity until I roleplayed a prison situation in which I was a prisoner. Don't worry this wasn't a sexual thing, it was a stay in Oxford jail overnight to raise money for Marie Curie Cancer Research. We volunteered to behave like prisoners and the prison guards were real prison guards who had volunteered their time.

The experience was realistic to a degree. We were in real prison cells but we got to choose our cell companions. I remember Sindy, Pettsie, Daniel and Alun sharing a hideous cell. We were inducted with a strict explanation of the rules. There was to be no booze but we smuggled some in despite being searched. Prison guards were Sir or Ma'am and when there was a roll call we needed to appear outside our cells ready to recite our roll number then "Sir" or "Ma'am", whichever was appropriate.

Whenever there was a roll call I was one of the first out of the cell, regardless of the time of the call. I had no problem with doing what I was told even though I didn't know what the consequences of non-compliance were. Sindy, on the other hand was our cell rebel.

When a male prison guard demanded a roll call she would call back with her telephone number and an instruction for the guard to call her using a very coquettish tone. They weren't used to this and the punishment was that our cell was turned over.

I would use this as a learning experience, much like Pavlov's dogs. Bad behaviour equals bad consequences. I think Sindy viewed it as more of a challenge. Our cell was turned over five times that night.

All of this should help you understand my discomfort today at being forced to break a rule and contravene authority.

Remember my car park rant? Today the ticket machine was not working, the text payment service was not working and the rail ticket office would not accept payment for the car park.

The lady behind the ticket counter said "Well if you can't pay, you can't pay..."

I didn't pay. I broke a rule. I've felt bad all day as a result.

Not in the plan

It's Sunday and the weather is as it should be in August. The sun is out and I plan to take full advantage.

I don a bikini knowing our garden isn't overlooked and the only people I'll see, and that will see me, are Dave and the children.

I prepare myself though for the arrival of guests. I know my in-laws are due to arrive at about three o'clock. The last thing I want, is for them to surprise a bikini clad me. It would just be unpleasant all round. I'd suffer embarrassment and they'd have to look at me; not a pleasant sight.

So next to the lounger I put a dress which can be popped on as soon as I hear the car pull up at the front of the house.

I have a couple of false starts when I hear a car and check to see whether it's parking at the front of our house, but in both cases I'm mistaken.

And then, when I hadn't heard a thing, I see my sister-in-law, father-in-law, mother-in-law walking in through the back gates.

I'm like a rabbit in the headlights, immobilised.

As quickly as is reasonable the dress goes on, but the damage has been done. Wobbly bits have been exposed.

Gardening

I'm not very good at gardening.

I like buying things but that's almost where my enthusiasm dies apart from a brief resurgence when things bloom.

I suffer with fluctuating enthusiasm with many projects I enter. Plants don't appreciate this variation in care.

The tomatoes at the side of the house look healthy but they have very spindly bases because there was a time when they ran out of water because I'd forgotten about them.

The bamboo we planted today has lost most of its leaves because it has taken me over a week between the plant being delivered and me summoning the enthusiasm to 'do something'.

And there are some things in the garden I simply can't explain. The wonderfully fragrant white lilac is half dying. Half of the leaves are are turning yellow and brown and the other half are healthy and green. It as though the tree is split in two.

Maybe we need a gardener.

Birthday present

It's Dave's 40th soon. Normally something like this would throw me into a spin not knowing what to buy, but not this time. This time Dave has told me what he wants, and he even gave me a picture. Does anyone know where I can buy one?

We all love the internet

Some people love the internet a bit more than others:

12% of all websites are pornographic
25% of all search engine requests are pornographic
35% of all internet downloads are pornographic in nature

Every second 28,258 internet users are viewing pornography
Every second $89.00 is spent on internet porn
Every day 266 new porn sites appear on the internet

Sex is the most searched word on the internet
U.S. Revenue from Internet Porn in 2006 was $2.84 billion
72% of internet porn users are men
70% of internet porn traffic occurs during the 9-5 work day

There are an estimated 372 million porn web pages:
3% produced by the UK
4% produced by Germany
89% produced by the U.S.

Stats from: http://www.crackmuffin.com/html/Internet-Porn.html

The English abroad

It occurred to me on the plane that I don't speak Spanish, or actually anything but English.

Sometimes I have spoken bits of languages. I have spoken very good French, reasonable German and a smidgen of quite a few other languages. Most of this is now forgotten though and so I have resorted to being the typical arrogant Brit, when travelling abroad.

So I arrived in Madrid with an office address to poke under the noses of taxi drivers. I figured that should convey the message that I want to go there.

Well I might as well have been speaking a different language. I know I was but you know what I mean. Taxi driver after taxi driver shrugged his shoulders, read the address again and escaped me as quickly as he could, allowing me to move onto the next victim.

I think it was cabbie number 10 who agreed to transport me, basically because the taxi controller just wanted shot of me.

Well cabbie number 10 was lovely - worth the wait. He knew where he was going, he tried some friendly cab banter and he was more than tolerant of my complete lack of Spanish.

The essential travel companion

Although I took Jane Austen with me today, she's not essential.

I arrived at the airport in good time today and sat with Ms Austen and a coffee until close to boarding time.

It was then I looked at my white shirt and saw a huge coffee stain. My instinctive reaction was to reach for the baby wipes which remove all known stains. But, as I was travelling for work I didn't have any with me. This was a mistake as baby wipes are the essential travel companion.

Anyway this wasn't a setback as there was a Boots store behind me so I went wipes hunting. Boots didn't stock wipes. I started to panic. I looked for alternatives.

The choices I had were make-up remover type wipes and wet wipes and, after some hesitation, I opted for the latter.

Because of the location of the stain I would have felt a bit awkward using the wipe in public (Think about it; Woman of average proportions drinking coffee - where would coffee land if it fell from the cup?) so I disappeared to the loos. I applied the wipe to good effect but was then faced with a new issue; I had a large wet area on my shirt. I knew this would dry though and I was feeling quite pleased with myself at having solved the problem. I had thought about shopping for a new top but I knew I'd miss my flight if I'd taken that route.

The irony of this is that when I reached my destination and needed a visitor badge I was handed a sticker to apply to my person. After I'd stuck it I realised it was in the exact same place that the coffee had been and would have obscured the stain completely.